


A Long Day's Journey Into Night

by tsheps



Series: If- [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, Humor, Mass Effect 3, Mass Effect 3: Leviathan, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-15 00:05:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3430499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsheps/pseuds/tsheps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reapers have attacked Earth and Ashley is doubting her once again.  It seems like they've danced this one once or twice before.  Still, having Ashley back aboard the Normandy gives Commander Kennedy Shepard a chance to try to rebuild their relationship even as the galaxy falls to pieces around them.  </p>
<p>A continuation of my work 'If-' set during the events of ME3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A fog of confusion covered everything.  It was thick and slow, and Ashley couldn't seem to find her way out of it.  It seemed to her that she had felt this way before.  She had struggled to think and struggled to see for every moment recently, but she couldn't quite remember the particulars of the struggle.  Only that it was constant. 

She heard a murmuring in the distance, and a thought seemed to coalesce out of the fog.  It seemed to swirl less, and it began to have form.  As it solidified, she studied the thought.  Analyzed it to try and understand.  Like staring at a street sign through a rain soaked window.  She knew that, if she looked for long enough, she would be able to make out the letters.  And with that realization, she was able to understand.  The understanding brought purpose.  The purpose brought focus.  But the focus brought pain.  Pain encompassing her entire body.  She tried to cry out, but her throat was dry.  She tried to swallow, but her body was not cooperating.

The more she tried, the more she succeeded.  The murmuring began to have more substance.  She heard individual sounds.  A voice.  The voice was familiar, though she had no concept of why. She only knew that the voice took an edge off of the pain coursing through her. Then she heard words.  The words did not make sense at first, but she still found the voice comforting.  It was soft in a world of harshness. 

The words made sentences.  Slow sentences that she knew she should be able to understand.  She opened her eyes.  The light hurt and she tried to shy away from it, but moving hurt even worse.  She tried to cry out again, and was rewarded with a croak.  The voice stopped.  She felt a pressure on her hand, but then the fog came back.  Then there was darkness.

 

*****

 

When the fog returned, Ashley found that it was not as heavy as before.  It was still thick and slow, like trying to walk through freezing mud, but she could move.  There was pain, but it wasn't as sharp.  There was confusion, but it wasn't as frustrating.  Then there was the voice again, and she determined to find it this time. 

She opened her eyes, and the light did not hurt quite as badly.  She tried to move her head, but couldn't.  The pressure on her hand was back, but it was casual this time.  Like it had always been there.  The voice murmured on, and she found a cadence to it.  A familiar rhythm.  The words began to make sense.

_"We have but faith: we cannot know; For knowledge is of things we see, And yet we trust it comes from thee, A beam in darkness: let it grow."_

Ashley blinked, and found she could see.  She decided to try her voice, "Shepard?"

"Shh... Ash, don't try to move.  You're in Huerta Memorial, on the Citadel.  You're okay, Ash."

The fog came back.

 

*****

 

_"The tide flows down, the wave again, Is vocal in its wooded walls; My deeper anguish also falls, And I can speak a little then."_

When Ashley woke to hear Shepard reading from the collected works of Tennyson this time, the world was a far more substantial place.  Her eyes accepted the light without complaint, and her neck was out of its brace.  That didn't mean it hurt much less, but at least she looked a little less wild.  She let Shepard continue, reading with a quiet and soothing voice through the 20th stanza.  She was sure that Shepard knew she was awake, knew she was being watched, but one of the more charming things about this woman was that she changed very little for an audience.  She continued to read, lips tracing over the words with loving care.  She read like there was no world outside this room.  As though Earth was not burning.  As though millions were not dying.  She read like it meant something.

_"But open converse is there none, So much the vital spirits sink, To see the vacant chair, and think, 'How good! how kind! and he is gone.'"_

Shepard stuck a playing card in her page and closed the book.  She ran her hand lovingly over the book, feeling the cloth, pulled tight over cardstock to form the cover, "He has a way with words, no doubt, but Tennyson is dead depressing, Ash."

Ashley gave a weak smile and closed her eyes as she shifted her weight, trying to relieve the pressure on her sore back, "You haven't even gotten to stanza 27 yet."

"Hmmm," Shepard said, sitting back and crossing her legs.  " _'Tis better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.'_ Like I said, dead depressing."

Ashley chuckled and settled again, not even marginally more comfortable.  She was exhausted and her whole body ached, "Dr. Michel says you come and read to me every couple of days."

Shepard nodded, putting the book back down on the table next to the bed.  She leaned forward, elbows on her knees, fingers entwined, "Even in a coma, head all wrapped in a cage, you're more fun to hang out with than Vega.  He keeps calling me Lola, and he's not half as good a shot as you."

She didn't know quite how to respond, so Ashley changed the subject, "Any word from Earth?"

"Not much.  Anderson's alive and leading a resistance, but they need help.  Soon."

"You get anything useful from the fembot that tried to turn me inside out?"

"A little.  Time will tell.  Also, you should know that the fembot... well, EDI kinda took custody of her body, so she's a member of the crew now.  I promise she won't try to kill you again."

After a long pause that was full of hostile glares and apologetic shrugging, Ashley continued, "Anything else you want to drop on me while I am too weak to throw you out of my room?"

Shepard barked with laughter, then sobered and looked down at her boots.

"Shepard!"

"Remember that whole thing about how I _wasn't_ working with the Shadow Broker?"

"Fuck me, Shepard."

She held up her hands in surrender, "Hear me out!  Hear me out!  I killed the Shadow Broker."

"And..."

"And Liara's the Shadow Broker now."

"WHAT?!"

"She's the one who tracked you down on Noveria.  And she's on the Normandy.  Still the Shadow Broker.  Cerberus tried to kill her."

Ashley shook her head in disbelief, and was rewarded with a sharp stab of pain. 

Shepard blushed and said, "Sorry.  It's a lot, I know.  But maybe you can believe me now when I say I am not working with Cerberus.  The Illusive Man has tried to kill my best friend _and_  the woman that I love.  You can't possibly believe that I would be okay with that?"

"No, I don't believe that you would be okay with that.  I believe you, okay?  I'm... I'm sorry about how I acted on Mars."

Shepard waved her hand dismissively, but she went back to looking at her boots, belying the casualness of the gesture.

Ashley's voice was very quiet when she said, "I seem to be apologizing to you a lot these days."

Shepard looked up into her eyes.  Ashley noticed how thin the woman's face had become.  She seemed paler, too, and there were definite dark shadows under her eyes.  She looked like she had aged a decade in the couple of weeks since Mars.

"You get out of that bed, whole and healthy, as soon as you can, and we'll be good."

Ashley stopped herself from nodding just in time.  She was worn out, and she wanted to go back to sleep.

"I'm tired, Shepard.  Can you... can you read to me while I fall asleep again?"

Shepard nodded, and Ashley settled back into the pillows.  The soft voice filled her head as she drifted back off into the fog.


	2. Chapter 2

Ashley sat on the arm of the sofa in Starboard Observation, elbows on her knees, chin in her hand.  She stared out of the windows, watching the distant stars flash by, lost in thought.  She held the book of Tennyson that Shepard had given her in the hospital loosely in her hand.  She thought about falling asleep listening to Shepard read her poetry.  She thought about her dad, struggling against his own father's legacy.  She thought about staring down the barrel of Shepard's gun.  She thought about turning and watching Shepard’s shot explode into Udina’s chest.  She thought about another day when she was aboard the Normandy, watching the cosmos flash past.  Most of all, the thought about how tired she was of thinking so much.

 "A little more opulent than the original Normandy, huh?"

 She smiled into her palm as Garrus walked up and stood beside her, hands clasped in front of him, staring out the window. 

 "There is a poker table in the other observation deck, you know.  And a bar.  Doesn't exactly feel like a warship anymore."

 "No.  Not really," She was surprised to hear her voice was wistful instead of sad. 

 "You remember when we used to spend our days down in that cargo bay?  Seemed like there was no end to the repairs to that Mako, and the weapons always needed to be cleaned.  The two of us and Wrex slaving away down there."

Ashley looked up at him, noticing the constellation of scars on his right cheek.  She wondered how he got them, "What was it that Wrex did down there?"

Garrus put his hand on his hip, his mandibles twitched thoughtfully, "You know, I couldn't tell you.  I remember a lot of chuckling.  Other than that?"

He gave a shrug and Ashley laughed when she said, "He teased that req guy a lot.  Always pretended to charge across the bay at him.  That kid probably pissed himself a dozen times."

Garrus's laugh was breathy and reminded Ashley of a beetle rubbing its legs together.  He looked at her, and the eye that wasn't covered by his aiming visor twinkled, "What was that kid's name?"

Ashley was quiet for a moment, turning away from Garrus when she finally said, "Marcus.  Marcus Grieco."

"I should have remembered."  After a pause, Garrus continued.  "Shepard wouldn't take me with her when she went down to Alchera and picked up the tags.  She put a monument there for them, you know.  I think she wanted to... talk to them.  Alone."

Ashley nodded, letting the moment stretch uncomfortably.  She wanted to say something to Garrus about the time he was on this Normandy.  About when he stood by Shepard.  When she hadn't.  She couldn't find the words.  All she could think about was the barrel of Shepard's gun, "Do you think she would have shot me?"

There was not a second's pause before he said, firmly, "No.  Not a chance."

"You sound awfully sure."

"Would you have shot her?"

There was not a second's pause before she answered, "No.  Not a chance."

"At some point, Ashley, you are going to have to accept that she is still the person she was before.  Look," He rubbed the back of his neck, and the sound was like paper rubbing over stone.  "I was there the whole time, you know?  When the two of you were flirting all over that boat like a pair of idiots.  She never once talked to me without looking at you between every word.  How many times did I cover for you when you snuck off into a dark corner with her?"

"Like I didn't cover for you when you went to flirt with Tali?"

That was the moment when Ashley learned that turians blush a kind of sickly green color instead of red.  She thought for a minute he was motion sick and she would be dodging alien barf.  But then his mandibles started dancing around and he was sputtering, "What do you... I don't even... I mean... she and I are just..."  He cleared his throat and tried to lean casually on the back of the sofa.  "I don't even know what you're talking about."

Ashley punched his shoulder, forgetting the armor and having to shake out numb fingers, "Have you even told her you like her?"

"Who, Tali?  Like her?  I...." Garrus seemed to deflate. "No.  She doesn't think of me like that, Ashley.  She's an admiral now, did you know that?  She doesn't have time for me."

Ashley stood up and crossed her arms, looking at him sternly, "So you are giving me a hard time when you have been head over heels for this girl for three years without saying a word?  Three years, Garrus!"

His mandibles twitched once, his face still, "I don't know if 'head over heels' applies to turians.  Maybe 'claws over mandibles'?  I don't do... romance.  I shoot things."

Ashley walked over and put her hands on Garrus's shoulders, she looked at him with complete sincerity and said, "You need to tell her how you feel.  Because, Garrus, you're a lousy shot.  You should probably give romance a try."

The laughter of the two old friends echoed down the corridor for a long time. 

 

*****

 

 

Ashley had been back on the Normandy for a week when she first ran into Shepard in the gym.  Unlike the original Normandy, the exercise facility on the SR-2 was spacious and contained all state of the art equipment.  Ashley walked in with her lip curled.  Again feeling like she was serving on a luxury cruiser instead of a warship.

"If you'd rather rusted weights and treadmills with torn belts, I can have it arranged." Shepard's voice was breathy, and Ashley turned to see her fairly dripping in sweat.  She had clearly been working out for a while before Ashley got there.  

 Ashley shrugged and tossed her towel over the grip bar of the treadmill next to the commander's, "Nah.  I think I deserve to be pampered after breaking my neck saving your life.  Again."

 Shepard laughed, "Pretty sure I've saved yours more."

 Ashley started running, sneaking a glance over at Shepard's display and noting that she had been running for over an hour already.  After getting a feel for the machine she replied, "Not nearly as often as you've almost gotten me killed.  I hope you haven't gone soft with all this fancy equipment and leather chairs.  You're Alliance Navy again, you know.  Your fitness level has to be the highest."

"Hey, I'm 30% cybernetics now, baby.  I can bench press you under the table."

Ashley's heart fluttered a little at the teasing and the pet names.  She might just be able to get used to this, "Even if you could bench twice what you used to, you still couldn't beat me.  I own the Normandy gym record, remember?  I'm pretty sure you scored right below Joker."

They bantered back and forth as they ran.  Then they switched to weights and Ashley couldn't tell if Shepard let her win or not.  Either way she beat Shepard in reps, and things felt like the good old days. 

They were walking out of the gym, towels over their shoulders, smiles on their faces, when Liara called to Shepard from the mess.  She was sitting with the new communications officer and told Shepard they needed to speak in private.  When Shepard turned to schedule a rematch with Ashley, she found that the LC had already walked off, a dark look in her eyes.

Shepard sighed and walked with Liara to her office, wracking her brain to figure out what she had done to annoy Ashley this time. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the timing of Gellix/Citadel Coup is a little off here, but I wrote this chapter early in the imagining of this story when I hadn't checked timelines yet. I really like the chapter, so I decided to keep it even though it varies slightly from canon because I don't think it matters all that much. Hope it works for you!

Shepard and Ashley boarded the elevator on the Citadel in silence. Shepard hit the button for Huerta, and the doors closed in silence. She was expecting silence for the rest of the ride, too. She wondered how it had come to this. She could not stop the happy reaction of her stomach when Ashley had said she would accompany her to Huerta. She wanted to see Dr. Michel. To check in. There was a time when the idea of a few stolen moments in an elevator alone with Ashley would have been everything. Now it was just awkward. Depression bubbled up in Shepard’s stomach and she spent the trip wondering which was worse, her nightmares or her waking life. Maybe it was a bad call to bring Ashley back on board.

“I just have a couple of people I need to talk to. May take a while. You can wait in the lobby after you check in, right?”

“I think I can find my way back to the Normandy on my own, skipper. You don’t have to escort me.”

Since she couldn’t think of a reply that wouldn’t show how much that hurt, Shepard was silent. She didn’t look over at Ashley. She avoided looking at her as much as possible these days. More bubbling sadness.

Mercifully, the doors hissed open to the bustling lobby of Huerta Memorial Hospital. Every time Shepard came back there were more and more people. Now they were triaging in the lobby. Things were getting bad. Ashley moved off to talk to Dr. Michel, and Shepard spotted Jacob standing alone. She spoke to him while what felt like half the population of the Citadel hurried past. He was having a baby. And naming it after her. She tried, she tried so damn hard to be happy for him. But the whole name thing was slightly creepy. And his happiness tasted bitter in her mouth.

When they were done, Shepard headed into the main hospital to talk to an asari scientist about medigel.

 

*****

 

“Lieutenant Commander Williams?”

Ashley stopped at the sound of her name and turned around. A man with bulging muscles and a wide grin was holding out his hand to her. She shook it out of courtesy, but the confusion was clearly written on her face.

“We haven’t met. I’m Jacob.” When he didn’t get a response, he continued. “Jacob Taylor. I served with Shepard on the Normandy 2.”

Ashley’s aspect changed. She was still wary of anyone Cerberus, even if they were one of Shepard’s.

“I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time. I was hoping to see you when Shepard pulled my ass out of the fire again on Gellix.”

The science lab. Ashley had heard of the mission. They went to save one of Shepard’s old squadmates and a group of Cerberus scientists who defected. They were helping with the Crucible now, she knew. At least they were trying to make up for their crimes, “I wasn’t on board yet. Just came back to the Normandy a couple of days ago. After…”

She swept her hand towards the windows, indicating the smoking debris outside.

“Yeah, you’d think they’d put those fires out eventually. Anyway, I wanted to meet you. You hold the distinction of being the only person that I have never met who has almost gotten me killed twice.”

He grinned wider, making sure she knew he was being lighthearted, but Ashley bristled all the same, “I beg your pardon?”

Jacob laughed. A deep rumble in his chest that sounded like a far off landslide, “I guess it isn’t really your fault, or anything, but still. Had to meet you.”

Ashley crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her hips to the side, wondering if he was messing with her for some obscure reason, “Okay, I’ll bite. How’d I almost get you killed without ever meeting you?”

Jacob put his hands on his hips, enjoying the chance to tell some of his favorite stories, “Well, the first time was right when Shepard came back.”

Ashley tensed, not sure she wanted to hear this anymore.

“We had to wake her up early cause the station was under attack. Long story. She had to fight her way through to me so we could get to the shuttle bay and bug out. When she got to me, I was under heavy fire from some mechs across the room. I was hunkered down behind a crate, she walks in, fires a couple of shots, and slides down next to me. She asks what’s going on, she asks who I am. The mechs are slamming bullet after bullet into this crate we’re behind, and I told her to save the questions for another time. She shuts me down and asks if you made it through the destruction of the Normandy. I said you did, and tried to get her to fight. I could feel the crate about to give way. Those things can take a lot of shots, but they aren’t exactly indestructible. I try to get up to take a shot, she pulls me back, and asks where you are. I tell her not now, and she asks again. The crate explodes and I take two shots to the shields before we can get to better cover.”

He shook his head and smiled at the floor, crossing his arms, “She’d been alive for 7 minutes. Fought her way to the first human she sees, and within 30 seconds she is asking about you so much, I’m nearly dead.”

Ashley isn’t made of stone. There’s a lot between her and Shepard, some of it may never get fixed, but she can’t helped but be moved by this. She clears her throat and looks away. When the conversation started, Ashley was pretty sure it wasn't one that she wanted to be having.  Now she was positive.  She wanted out, but she didn't see a way to end it without being rude, "Sounds like Shepard.  Tries to get you killed after 30 seconds of knowing her.  Look, I'd love to..."

Jacob continued, "The second time was even worse, cause she knew exactly what she was getting me into.  You know Miranda?"

Ashley could see there was no bowing out, so she played along, "Big rack. Cat suit. Nasty attitude?"

Jacob laughed again, and the rumbling sound warmed Ashley's heart.  It reminded her of her dad.

"Yeah, you know Miranda.  Well, Shepard had been trying to track you down.  She was hounding Anderson and getting no love.  She pushed Miranda to use Cerberus resources to find you.  She even put pressure on The Illusive Man.  They decided that ignoring her requests would endanger the mission, so Miranda was working on it and sending reports to Shepard every couple of days."

Ashley was trying to keep it all away, trying not to hear the words because she didn't want to think about it.  Couldn't think about it, "It's not like I was in deep cover or anything."

"Nah, but the Alliance was trying to keep you away from Cerberus, so they were doing everything they could to hide you.  Bad move, really.  I really believe that, if Anderson had given her a chance to find you, Shepard would have handed over the new Normandy and all of us to him right there in the Presidium.  Can't say I'm sorry he didn't.  I'd probably still be in a jail cell."

"Anyway, so Shepard got it into her head that Miranda had your location and was keeping it from her.  So she ordered me to break into Miranda's office while Shepard had her off ship on a mission.  I was to find everything she had on you and send it to Shepard and cover my tracks."

"You a tech guy?  Really?  You look more 'bang,bang' than 'hack,hack'."

Jacob flexed his biceps.  He wasn't built like a krogan the way James was, but he had the arms of a soldier, "You aren't wrong.  I think it was cause I was the only one she felt she could trust. I used to be Alliance, until they asked me to do some below board shit I wasn’t comfortable with. We talked a lot, and I don’t think she had a lot of options.  Too bad, we picked up Tali a couple of days later.  She would've done the job better."

Ashley knitted her eyebrows together and thought.  "Wait, if this was right before you picked up Tali... That means it was after Horizon."

"Yeah.  Why do you think she was trying to find you?  I wasn't down there for Horizon, but I heard about it from Jack.  You really think she was gonna let things stand like that between you two?"

Ashley crossed her arms tighter, hugging herself a little.  She shrugged.

"Anyway, Miranda found out.  Maybe had a camera in there, who knows?  I was sitting in the mess, choking down the slop we had for dinner, and she comes storming out of her office.  She takes one look at me and hits me with a biotic throw.  Well, I went straight through that glass wall between the mess and the med bay.  Pretty good shot, actually. They didn't have to do much more than pick me up and put me on one of Chakwas's beds.  I woke up a day later with a hell of a headache and an apology from Shepard.  First one of those I got, too."

Jacob was grinning, looking at Ashley like he'd given her a treat.  She just felt sick.  It must have shown on her face, because his smile faltered a little.  He looked at her, eyebrows drawing together.  When he spoke, the smile was gone, "I think I misread the situation here. I saw you two walk in together, and I knew you were back on the Normandy.  I just assumed.  I mean, the way that Garrus and Tali talked about you two on the first Normandy…"

"Yeah, well, things change."

Ashley looked off into the distance.  She could have just walked away, but Shepard chose that moment to walk back into the lobby.  She didn't want to storm away from Jacob and let Shepard see.  Then she'd ask Jacob what had happened and he'd tell her, and then she'd want to talk about it.  Ashley didn't want to talk.  She didn't want to think.

Jacob looked over his shoulder and watched his old commander walk up to a group of civilians arguing with a nurse.  Shepard's body language exuded calm.  She placed a hand softly on a woman's shoulder, and the woman’s anger deflated instantly.  The whole situation had changed with a few words and a touch from Shepard.  That was her power, her gift.

"Let me give you a piece of advice, Lieutenant Commander Williams.  I used to be a lot like you are now.  Angry. Closed off.  I kept everyone at arm's length.  I realize now that it was because I had been hurt by someone I loved.  Then I joined up with Shepard, and she gave a shit.  For the first time in my life someone gave a shit."

Ashley had heard this story a thousand times.  Shepard the Healer.  Shepard the Savior.  Everyone had their 'but then Shepard' story.  It was exhausting and it was bullshit.  They all thought they knew her and wanted to share that with Ashley, because they thought she had the same story.  Well, she didn't.  And she was sick and tired of the Savior.

"Look..."

"Shut up for a second.  Listen to me.  Actually listen.  I know you can hear me, but I am asking you to let it sink in.  To listen to it.  I went to that Collector base with her and I was sure I'm not coming back.  That's when I realized that no one cared.  Not one person would cry for me if I died.  Shepard would be the only one to feel sad, but it wouldn't touch her, ya know? I watched a woman get turned in to some sort of goo in front of my eyes.  She just liquefied.  You don't get over that shit, ya know? Shepard. She would mourn for me, and she would be the only one, and she wouldn't really care.  Cause she has seen too much and lost too much.  She would never have scoured the galaxy looking for me if I had dropped off the grid."

Ashley looked over at Shepard, and saw that she had glanced their way.  She looked away again, not quickly because she had gotten caught looking, but just because she was scanning the room.  Ashley looked at her for the first time in a while.  She saw the slump of her shoulders and saw, for the first time, how utterly exhausted she looked.

 “She scoured the galaxy for you, Ashley.  She gave a shit about YOU.  You got what all the rest of us dream about.  Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you anymore.  Maybe you never loved her like she loved you."

Ashley snapped her eyes back to Jacob, feeling anger bubble in her at the insinuation.

"But she loves you.  Stop acting like that shit doesn't matter, because it does.  Whatever your issues are, get over them.  This world has enough pain and heartbreak right now.  Either love her or let her go because she deserves a hell of a lot better than what you are doing to her."

"Mr. Taylor?  Your supplies are here."

The receptionist's voice cut through the tension that had built between the two strangers.  They were both marines, both professionals, so it didn't show to the room like all the civilians, but it was definitely there.  Jacob nodded at Ashley and turned, walking away without another word.

Ashley looked over at Shepard, but her back was turned, talking to a salarian in a hospital uniform.  She felt so much, and she couldn't sort it out right now.  She blinked a couple of times, then headed for the elevator and a slice of silence. 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter and the next (which will be a continuation of this scene) are the reason I started writing this whole darn thing between these two. I always thought the coldness of the VS and Liara in ME2 needed to be explained a little further, and it got me thinking about why they would keep Shep at arm's length. So this scene is that explanation for me. It was the seed that this whole fic grew from. Hopefully it carries the same weight on paper that it did in my head!

Ashley's first thought when entering the captain's cabin on the new Normandy was that it would be worth the headaches of command just to come back to this room every night.  The lights were low, and the glow from the fish tank was hypnotic.  She tried very, very hard not to notice how much larger and more comfortable the bed looked that the one in the previous Normandy.  

Shepard was standing in the recessed living area and Ashley gave an awkward smile to her when she walked in.  Then she looked everywhere else except at Shepard.  Or the bed.

"Come on in.  Have a seat."

There was something in her tone that made Ashley very nervous.  She stepped down and sat on the sofa, following a gesture from the commander.  There was a bottle of scotch on the table, and two glasses that were already poured.  Neat for Shepard, on the rocks with soda water for Ashley.  Shepard handed Ashley the glass.  She tried not to take it, waving it off graciously, but Shepard just gave her a look and she took it.  Once it was in her hand, she decided it was probably a good idea, so she drank.  It was by far the best scotch she'd ever had.

"You really have gone soft, skipper.  How do you afford this?"

Shepard drank and answered, "I've got friends who owe me favors.  I've been known to be charming on occasion."

"I remember."

Shepard looked straight into Ashley's eyes, and she felt herself peel apart with that look.  Then Shepard spoke, "Ashley.  You asked for time and space and I have given it to you, but it is time we talked.  I was confused, and, honestly, a little hurt after Huerta and... before.  I need to know where I stand.  What is going on.  You wouldn't talk to me, so I went to Liara.  I thought she could offer some... insight."

Ashley's insides squirmed, "I'm not sure I want to hear this, skipper."

"Come on, Ash.  We're not back to that, are we?  Ok... the truth is we did meld, but not in a… sexy way.  Like before with the beacon stuff.  I needed an interpreter from the outside, and she... showed me some things.  It helped me... understand."

Ashley drained her glass.  There was more scotch in there than she thought, and it turned out to be a dramatic but not overly suave gesture, "What did she show you?"

 

 

*****

 

_Fires were burning everywhere and Shepard was saying to get to the escape pods.  The Alliance wouldn't abandon them, but she had to go for Joker.  Her heart filled with fear, but she did what she was told.  She got everyone in and then jumped in the pod herself.  She sat next to Dr. Chakwas and the pod launched._

_"Where's Shepard?"_

_It was Ashley's voice.  She didn't answer._

_"Where's Shepard?"_

_More insistent.  Slightly panicked._

_"She went for Joker, there's a pod in the cockpit."_

_They were kicked away from the ship, and then they were floating in place.  Out of the danger zone, but there was no gravity in the pod.  Their momentum slowed and Ashley unhooked from her seat, pushed herself to the porthole window on the door of the pod.  She gripped the frame of the window to keep from floating away, whispering, "Come on, Shepard.  Come on, get out of there."_

_It seemed to take forever for anything to happen. Then the other ship came back around and the Normandy was a fireball.  A pod had been launched, but they were close enough to see a human form, silhouetted against the ice blue of the planet.  The form was still for a moment, and then was kicking and franticly grabbing at the back of her suit.  The N7 logo was not visible from this distance, but the red stripe down the arm of the dark grey armor was unique to only one crew member._   _They could see the air escaping through the break in the oxygen hose._

_The world filled with screaming and pounding.  Ashley slammed her fist into the little window over and over, her screams of "Kennedy!  Kennedy!  Kennedy!" were primal and piercing.  She kept slamming her fist into the plexiglass and screaming as the legs stopped kicking and the arms went limp.  Red streaks started to appear on the surface of the window, tiny droplets of blood from the battered fist hung weightless in the zero gravity air, but the fist kept pounding.  The screams were becoming hoarse, and sobs were breaking out from the crew members around her._

_Blue hands reached down and unhooked the harness holding her in.  She pushed herself over to grab Ashley's hand.  She muttered in a soft voice, "Shhh.  Come away."  For all the notice Ashley took, they could have been in different worlds.  The screaming continued.  It was hard to see through the window for the blood._  

_"Dr. Chakwas..."_

_The doctor reached into the bag strapped across her chest and unhooked her own harness.  Liara tried to hold Ashley but she was shaken off time and time again.  Finally, the doctor stuck a needle in Ashley's neck and her movements began to slow, and finally stop.  Now the sobs were that much louder._

 

_*****_

 

_Liara looked through the door of a hospital room.  Ashley was on her side, back to the door.  Her hair was a mess.  She lay still, staring at the wall. She opened the door and walked inside, closing it behind her, expecting at any moment for Ashley to turn towards her. To acknowledge her presence. She didn’t move. She didn’t even flinch. There was a chair beside the bed, and she went to it. Liara sat with her and talked to her for a long time.  About Joker's regrets, about the memorial service planned.  She talked about the old times and tried to joke about Wrex.  Ashley lay there and stared and made no sign that she knew Liara was in the room._

_Liara came back on another day when Ashley's hair was still wet from being washed and combed.  She held a rosary and moved her lips, but made no sound. Liara talked to her again. Explained how she was thinking of moving to Illium, trying to make a fresh start. She asked about Ashley’s family. Had she seen them when they came to visit? Had they talked? She even asked about the rosary, trying to get Ashley talking about her religion. The words washed over Ashley with the same force as the water of her shower must have. They hit her but did not penetrate. Liara stood abruptly and left, not saying goodbye since Ashley had never said hello._

_At the next visit, something was completely new.  She walked in the room to find Ashley dressed, her hair in a tight bun, packing her clothes into a duffel bag.  She said she was better now, and that she was reporting to base for her new assignment.  The words were right and the actions were right, but the sound was all wrong.  The woman was not the same, and she thanked Liara in a hollow, dead sort of voice and then walked right past her out of the room.  Liara stood in the empty room and wondered if maybe it didn’t make sense for her to stay a while herself. Nothing seemed connected any more. She had begged and pleaded with this woman that she had not been overly close with to start with to open up to her, but instead she had gotten better all on her own and Liara felt emptied out. She pulled up her omnitool.  She responded to a message from Miranda Lawson.  She would go get Shepard and she would bring her back and she would make her fix what she had broken.  What she had broken in all of them._

 

_*****_

 

Glasses had been drained and filled and drained again while Shepard spoke.  Ashley tried not to hear.  She raised her glass to her lips, but there were only wet ice cubes and her hand was shaking, so she put it back down.  Shepard was still and quiet.  Ashley wished she would say something.  Anything.  Anything to drown out her thoughts and her memories.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard."

"Please play live audio from MM.KS.1615 overhead in my cabin."

Ashley furrowed her eyebrows.  Quiet at first and then louder came a wet, thumping noise.  Ashley couldn't place it, but for some reason she thought of the new nephew she would have in a few months.  Shepard stood and moved to sit next to Ashley.  She picked up Ashley's hand and put her first two fingers against the underside of her wrist, in the fleshy area under her thumb.  The sound overhead lost rhythm for a split second and then caught again.  Its wet rhythm matched Shepard's pulse under her fingers.  It hit her all at once.  Medical Monitor, Kennedy Shepard, 1615.  That's why she thought of her nephew, the ultrasound she went with Sara on the Citadel just after the Cerberus attack. The one where her sister was to find out if she was having a boy or a girl to raise all alone.  She was listening to Shepard's heart beating.

Tears fell from Ashley's eyes and she couldn't quite explain why.  She grabbed her fingers back from Shepard's wrist and pressed the palm of her hand against the other woman’s chest.  She felt the steady beat of Shepard's heart through her ribcage, the way she used to when they lay in bed together.  She closed her eyes and let herself get lost in the feel and the sound.  She gritted her teeth and forced the tears to stop.

"EDI, discontinue audio and engage privacy in my cabin."

"Yes, Shepard."

The audio cut out.  All that was left was the feeling under her hand.  Ashley pulled her hand away and stood up, walking to the door.  It didn't open.  She reached out for the button, but it wasn't there.

"You don't get to walk away from me anymore.  You have to talk to me this time.  Whatever you say, I can take it."

There was a long pause. Ashley considered yelling, screaming with hate until the burning in her chest went away. She was calm and on the verge of defeat when she finally said, "What if I can't take it?"

Shepard waited, and Ashley went back to the sofa.  

"I thought, after Mars.... Watching you nearly die. I thought I knew what hell was like.  It wasn't until Liara showed me this that I understood how lucky I was."

Ashley let out a long breath.  It shook more than she liked, but she felt a little better.

"I think you're mad at me for dying.  For betraying you by leaving, and so you are having a hard time trusting me.  I wanted to show you that I am here.  Really here.  Me.  Not some husk created by Cerberus.  Same heart.  Beating just like it did before.  For you.  I am asking you to forgive me, Ashley."

It was suddenly so hot in the cabin that Ashley couldn't breathe.  She felt her throat closing and her head spinning and she ripped at the zipper on her jacket to get it off.  She could feel wet patches forming in the armpit of her cap sleeved shirt and she shrugged out of the jacket as quick as she could, gasping for air.

When she caught her breath, she looked up to see Shepard staring at her right forearm.  She said, her voice barely audible over the pounding of Ashley's heart, "You got my letter."


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a tradition of the military for many centuries for soldiers to write letters to their loved ones before entering war zones. In the event of their death in combat, the letters would be delivered to the addressees, and the soldier would have the chance to say goodbye, in words if not in person. It was supposed to afford a certain amount of closure. There was a great deal of superstition around writing the letters once the military became space bound, and so, by the time of the First Contact War, the tradition had gone out of fashion. The Alliance always offered safekeeping for letters that soldiers wrote, but it was an offer seldom utilized.

Shepard was old fashioned.

Ashley had been in the hospital for several weeks before Hackett came, in person, to deliver a datapad with Shepard’s letter to her on it. It had been written just before Ilos, when she had thought they were on a one way trip. Ashley had not touched it for several days after it was delivered, but the lure of having the chance to hear from Shepard one last time was too great. Eventually, the letter had become the most precious thing that she owned. She read it several times a day, and it was the thing that gave her the strength to stand up and walk out of that hospital.

She had walked straight to a tattoo parlor.

The letter had contained some very personal, very loving sentiments that made her heart hurt. And it had contained a poem. The poem had made her feel like dying when she first read it. The words etched into her heart as she read them time and time again. The burn had turned to an ache, and then the words had become something bittersweet. Like a scar gained in a battle too horrible to mention, but that had come to be so familiar on the landscape of one’s own body that it was a source of comfort. A badge that said ‘if I could survive that, I can survive anything.’

Part of that poem was now on Ashley’s right arm, covering the majority of her forearm. There was a rose near the inside of her elbow, bent as if caught in a strong wind, several petals torn from it.  The petals were littered at intervals down the arm, lightly traced curved lines of wind following them.  In looping, cursive script were written _'Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die_.'  
  
Ashley read them aloud, tracing the words with her fingertips. Then recited the poem from memory, her words echoing in the cold metal of the cabin, “ _Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain_ "  
  
She didn't recite the entire poem, even though she could have.  It had been seared into her memory.  A bittersweet lullaby. Like Ulysses.  She let the words die away, and tried with all of her might to keep from drowning in the emotions roiling inside her.  She wished she was in battle.  Locked in a firefight, she always knew what to do then.  She was confident and sure. Her mind would stop and her training would kick in and she could lose herself in the music of bullets and explosions.  
  
The silence hung for another moment before Shepard let out a mirthless laugh and said, "If I only knew how… prescient that poem would be. I wish you hadn't had to go through that, Ash.  No wonder you hate me."  
  
Ashley knew this was the moment.  The one she had dreaded.  The one where she would have to finally explain Horizon.  She thought of the times in battle when she had to finally break cover.  When she had to dash out into the line of fire or risk being pinned down forever and dying on her knees.  She steeled herself to speak the way she steeled herself for those moments, "I don't hate you, skipper.  I was awful to you on Horizon because... Because I hate ME."  
  
She wasn't looking, but she could feel Shepard's confusion.  It had not taken long for her to be able to read this woman, and she slipped back into it with ease.  She stared down at the scuffed toes of her boots, elbows on her knees.  Shepard, God love her, knew when to shut up and wait.  
  
Ashley's face twisted in agony and hot tears of shame slid down both cheeks, "I hate myself because I... I cheated on you, Shepard."  
  
She couldn't stop the sob.  It sounded distant and it felt like a knife in her ribs, but as soon as it was over, she hurried on, wanting to tell the whole story now that it had begun, "It was the night before you showed up on Horizon.  I was back to work, I had a mission, and I almost felt like myself again.  I had been so miserable for so long and I just... I don't know... I suddenly realized that if I didn't get on with my life soon than I never would. I was stationed alone at that stupid colony. I needed to talk to people.  And I went to this bar on Horizon and there was this random colony girl, and she was, like… the anti-Shepard.  I always loved how you were so confident in everything in life, but then you were so awkward asking me out.  And she was just the opposite.  She walked right up to me and made a pass, and I just thought 'Why not?'"  
  
She cringed and the tears came harder, and they burned red hot as they slid down her face.  She kept going, letting the words that had weighed so heavily on her for so long tumble out and float in the air between them, "So I went home with her and it was... God, it was a train wreck!  We just didn't work together, and I felt like you were there, standing at the foot of the bed, watching me humiliate both of us.  And this girl didn't know me or anything about me, and I just... I'm sure she knew something was up, but I just bolted when it was over.  And I could still feel you watching me, and I knew I had made a horrible mistake."  
  
Ashley gasped for air, the guilt pressing like a physical weight on her chest, "Then the next afternoon, there you were, standing in front of me.  Alive.  It was the answer to all of my prayers, and all I could think of was how I had betrayed you.  And I hated myself so much, and you had no idea.  And you smiled and reached for me, and I was full of so much anger.  Why couldn’t you have shown up the day before? Why couldn’t I wait one more day to go to that fucking bar? I was so angry. But it wasn't at you.  It was never at you!  It was me!  I was faithless and how could you ever forgive me?!"  
  
Shepard sat, perfectly still.  The air in the cabin was heavy with Ashley’s confession, and it tasted like bile when she breathed it in. It was as if she had acknowledged her sin and the very words had fouled the air. Ashley looked at Shepard’s face, certain it would be a mask of rage, but it was flat, cold, and emotionless.  Ashley watched her swallow.  She watched her take a breath. After a moment, she became aware of how wet her own cheeks were, and she scraped fiercely at the tears with the heel of her hand.  
  
After an eternity, Shepard spoke, "Ashley. You beautiful, wonderful idiot."  
  
Ashley had expected insults, recriminations.  These words, however, did not have the bite she was expecting.  
  
Shepard shook her head, slowly, sadly, "Ash, I was dead.  Actually, truly dead.  You know that.  You… you saw me die."  
  
Ashley nodded, confused.  
  
"Sweetheart, you can't cheat on a dead woman. You didn’t cheat on me. You moved on after the death of someone you loved.  There is nothing for me to forgive! I would never want you to spend your life alone and lonely because I died. I would want you to move on, and two years is plenty of time.  You did NOT cheat on me!"  
  
Ashley lifted her head, sadness etched in every muscle of her face.  Shepard didn't understand.  She was being kind, but she was in denial. She had to somehow convince her of the enormity of what she had done.  She had to make her understand how it had felt, "You don't understand.  I could feel you watching. I could almost see your spirit by the bed. You were there. You have no idea what it felt like!"  
  
Shepard stood and moved around the table.  She sat, gently next to Ashley on the sofa, "I understand that it felt like something awful.  Like a betrayal.  But..."  
  
"No!" Ashley screamed the word as she moved away from Shepard on the sofa.  She had to have the distance to think, to feel the shame of it all. "You don't understand how it felt! I..."  
  
Shepard moved with her, not invading her space, or reaching out to touch, but not letting her pull away again, either, "I know what you did.  You had a one night stand that made you feel like shit two years after your girlfriend died.  And you lashed out with guilt.  Not to downplay your pain, love, but this isn't exactly an unusual circumstance.  It's part of grieving a loved one. If I had stayed dead like everyone else, you would have continued to grieve and continued to move on and, eventually, you would have found a way to accept that there is no guilt in living when I died. It’s just awful because I’m alive again. Because you saw me before you could process what happened with her. You are not a terrible person.  You just have shitty timing, that's all."  
  
Ashley unbent long enough to share a short laugh at her own expense with Shepard.  
  
"You've always had terrible timing, Ash."  
  
This time she swatted at Shepard's shoulder.  Unbelievably, some of the knots in her stomach had loosened.  She knew it wasn't going to be happily ever after, but at least she had gotten it out.  
  
Shepard's face grew serious again and her voice was soft when she said, "Okay. That explains Horizon.  So what happened on Mars?  Why'd the anger flare up again there?"  
  
New knives twisted in her gut, and Ashley found herself bending over again to try and stave off the pain, "Well, I had hoped everything would go back to the way it was.  I was back in the Normandy shuttle bay, you were calling me Ash.  Then it all came crashing back.  Because... Because she's on this damn boat!  I saw her right before the shuttle launched, and it was like God reminding me of my sin at my moment of happiness."  
  
"Wait, what? I don't get it.  Who's on the Normandy?"  
  
"The colony girl.  The one I cheated with.  It was… Traynor.  The comm spec."  
  
Ashley closed her eyes, praying that the moment would end.  That she could melt through the floor and disappear into oblivion.  The silence lengthened, and she waited for the explosion.  
  
It came, but it wasn't what Ashley had thought.  She flinched at the burst of noise before identifying it. It was laughter.  Shepard was laughing.  She opened her eyes and saw the woman's throat exposed with her head thrown back in glee.  
  
"Shit, Ash!  If you don't have the worst fucking luck in the galaxy!"  
  
Ashley's jaw dropped open.  Shepard was struggling to control herself, tears of laughter running down her face.  She made no effort to wipe them away, and looked at Ashley with such openness and serenity that she started to truly hope that everything might be okay.  
  
When Shepard had finished laughing, Ashley said, with as much calm as she could summon, "So you're not angry? You don't hate me for sleeping with someone else? Even though that someone else is the one who stands next to you all day in the CIC?"  
  
There was no hesitation, no doubt, not the slightest sign of worry either in Shepard's expression or her voice when she responded, "Ashley Williams, I could not give a fistful of horseshit. I want to be with you.  I don't care what you did when I was gone.  I care what you do now.  Do you want to be with me or not?"  
  
Ashley felt her whole body go limp. For a moment she thought that she was passing out, and worried about the concussion she had picked up from Dr. Eva.  Then it dawned on her that, ever since she watched the Normandy destroyed and Shepard killed, her whole body had been tensed.  It was like that moment when you are standing at the edge of a gap, and you tense your muscles, preparing to jump.  Only she had been tensed to act for nearly three years.  She took a deep breath and found that she had not done so in so long, her lungs creaked.  Shepard sat, looking at her, expectant and hopeful, waiting for a response.  
  
She looked into Shepard's eyes and knew that this moment had been inevitable.  They were in love, and God would not keep separate two people who loved each other so completely.  Ashley could not even feel her body as she slipped to Shepard's side and pressed their lips together.  She felt Shepard kiss her back with a sigh like coming home after a long day work.  They kissed and moved their bodies closer and it wasn't until Ashley tasted salt that she realized she was crying again.  
  
Shepard slid an arm around Ashley's waist and pulled her into her lap.  Ashley deepened the kiss once she was sitting on the other woman, and was gratified to feel the shift in Shepard's body. Ashley tasted the peat and charcoal tones from the scotch on Shepard’s breath. It was a familiar scent. A homey, earthy smell that was all Shepard and sex and it made her legs quake with desire. She held her mouth open over Shepard’s, gasping at her raw desire and the scent of the familiar whiskey increased until Ashley thought her heart might stop from overstimulation.

Shepard slid a hand up into the long, dark hair above her.  Ashley wrapped an arm around her neck, and let the other slide down Shepard's chest.  She felt then commander shiver as she broke the kiss.  
  
"Ash, do you want..."  
  
"Yes. Yes, God, I want you.  I never want to let you go."

Ashley shifted, throwing one leg to the other side of Shepard’s lap, straddling her. She cupped Shepard’s face lightly with both hands and kissed her, softly and lovingly. They stayed like this for a long while, kissing gently, getting to know each other’s mouths again after so long apart. Ashley kept repeating to herself ‘She forgives me. She loves me.’ The words tumbling over and over in her mind. She kept thinking it, not so much believing it as clinging to it with desperate hope. She still felt unsure, as though any moment Shepard would push her off and send her away forever.

Shepard kissed back with all the emotion she had, knowing that she was still convincing Ashley of the truth of her feelings. Soon, however, her body pushed for more and she put a tentative hand to the hem of Ashley’s uniform shirt, testing her willingness. Ashley tensed ever so slightly, and Shepard pulled her hand away, accepting a slower pace, allowing Ashley to set the boundaries. Ashley felt Shepard’s hand pull back, knowing that she had to decide in this moment what she truly wanted. She knew now that she wouldn’t lose Shepard, but she had no intention of hurting her any more than she already had. And, she asked herself, what was she waiting for? What would she gain from delaying what they both wanted? Her body was just as insistent as Shepard’s. She thought of the person she had been, on Eden Prime and on the Normandy SR-1. That person had been confident, decisive. That was who she was, not this bitter, waffling mess who lashed out at the woman she loved as payment for her own sins.

The thought of how much she had changed galvanized her, and it seemed, suddenly, that she was that person again. The one who stood down a charging alpha varren on Feros. The one who yanked Shepard into a maintenance tunnel for a quickie. The one who helped defeat Saren.

Ashley surged her body forward into Shepard’s, her grip tightening around the woman’s face. She was rewarded with a gasp and a groan as her hips ground into Shepard’s. She released her face and tore her own shirt off over her head. Then she reached for Shepard’s hoodie and shirt, pulling them both roughly off over her head without bothering to unzip the hoodie. This earned a throaty laugh from Shepard, who reached forward and gripped her back with firm hands, pulling her back into a deep kiss. She was still gentle, but exponentially more passionate than a moment ago. Ashley purred back into her mouth, settling back into the softness of the moment now that she had made her desire clear. She had a vivid memory of their first time together, after Virmire, and the desperation and forcefulness of it.

She pressed her face into Shepard’s, their teeth clicking as she forced herself in harder. Ashley stood up and grabbed Shepard’s hand, pulling her up as well. She unbuckled Shepard’s pants with more haste than grace, and rucked them down, along with her underwear, to her knees. Then she lifted her foot and stepped on Shepard’s pants, forcing them down to the woman’s ankles. As the commander’s eyes widened in surprise, Ashley pushed her back down onto the couch. She removed her own pants and underwear as quickly as she could, and leapt back into Shepard’s lap.

Ashley could tell that Shepard was hesitant at the change of tone, and the guilt that lingered in her gut flared. She could feel herself blushing with shame, and forced their lips back together, hoping Shepard hadn’t seen. Shepard put her hands on Ashley’s hips, and the LC took it as a cue to rock forward, pressing them together where they needed it most. Shepard groaned and gripped her harder. Ashley grabbed one of Shepard’s hands and moved it to her own breast.

Unbidden and unwanted, an image of herself with Samantha popped into her mind. Her surprise and shame made her gasp, and Shepard increased the pressure on her breast. The pressure pushed the image farther away, and so she used her hand that was still covering Shepard’s to squeeze her breast harder. The pleasure mixed with the slightest hint of pain, and the image went even farther away. Ashley twisted her hand into Shepard’s hair, and Kennedy’s free hand moved between her legs. She only ghosted a touch over her swollen clit, and Ashley needed more. She needed to feel, and part of her wanted to hurt.

She grabbed Shepard’s hand and forced two of her fingers deep and hard into her core. She moaned half in pain, half in pleasure, at the sudden invasion. Shepard opened her mouth to say something, but Ashley pushed it towards her own neck instead. She started to ride Shepard’s hand hard and, as she exposed her neck to Shepard’s open mouth, said, “Bite.”

There was a split second hesitation, but Shepard bit. Ashley yelped, but the twin painful pleasures had completely wiped all thoughts of her shame on Horizon from her mind.

“Harder, Kennedy… Ahhh… please!”

Shepard bit harder, and she pushed her fingers deeper into Ashley’s wet folds. When the woman on top of her increased her speed and shouted even louder, Shepard forced a third finger inside. Ashley screamed and exploded. She felt her whole world split in two and pulverize itself on the mountain of her ecstasy. She coated Shepard’s hand with her orgasm as bright lights popped in front of her closed eyes. She kept riding the other woman’s hand, and, at the perfect moment, Shepard pinched her nipple hard and she came again, tearing her throat with the screams of her lover’s name.

When she finally floated through the last of the aftershocks, she collapsed forward into Shepard’s arms. Her face was buried in the other woman’s shoulder, and her whole body shook uncontrollably. She sat like that for a long moment, just breathing in the smell of the woman she loved and trying to sort through all of the emotion. Shepard withdrew from her with such tenderness, and she realized with a pang that this woman was always everything that she needed. She was tender and strong and rough and kind and firm. She was a warrior and a poet, and she was, most importantly, Ashley’s.

Shepard’s other hand moved up to stroke Ashley’s back. The touch was almost as glorious as her love making had been. Ashley moved her hand between Shepard’s legs, but she squeezed her thighs together, blocking access.

“No, sweetheart. Not now. Later. I just want to hold you.”

Ashley was simultaneously ashamed and grateful. She held Shepard closer, and the shift in her body made her neck scream in pain. The bite suddenly stung, and she couldn’t help but hiss at the feeling.

Shepard continued to rub her back, and her voice was soft but firm when she said, “Ash, I will be whatever you need for me to be. In life and in bed. But if you are looking for me to hurt you as some sort of punishment, well… I’m not going to do that for you. You are going to have to accept that I don’t blame you. Rough I can do, but I’ll never hurt you on purpose.”

Ashley considered denying it for the briefest of moments. She thought of trying to justify herself with an allusion to the aggressive sex they had had before. The lie stuck in her throat. She had wanted pain because she had felt guilt, and it hadn’t been fair to push Shepard’s sexual boundaries without warning. She also realized that it was something she probably wouldn’t need again. What she needed now was what she had had with Kennedy before. What they both wanted and liked.

Ashley sat up and looked into Shepard’s captivating eyes. She nodded and smiled. Shepard smiled back. Ashley let her hand move slowly over the body she loved so much, tracing the firm lines of Shepard’s arms and shoulders. She reached a thumb out for her left eyebrow, wanting to feel her favorite scar there, only to find, to her surprise, that it was gone. She stopped to stare quizzically at the eyebrow, her hand hovering in midair.

Shepard’s voice was scratchy with desire when she spoke, “Cerberus assholes. Sorry. They got rid of all my old scars during the rebuild. I swear it’s still me, Ash, just…”

Ashley shushed her with a brush of her lips, “I know it’s you, Kennedy. It’s okay. I just… can’t believe I hadn’t noticed.”

“You were too busy staring at my tits, huh?”

They laughed and Ashley pushed at Shepard’s shoulder. The laugh faded away as they stared into each other’s eyes. Shepard folded her arms around Ashley’s waist and lifted her as she stood. Ashley wrapped her legs around the other woman and covered her neck and jaw with hot kisses and quick swipes of her tongue as she was carried to the bed. Shepard lay her down almost reverently, laying down beside Ashley and brought their lips back together. She slid her body half onto Ashley’s, who opened her legs so that Shepard’s thigh could slip in between.

They kissed and touched, their fingertips and palms returning to their favorite places on each other’s bodies. With a quick movement of arms and legs, Ashley flipped Shepard onto her back, settling her body down on top. As their kisses grew deeper and their bodies warmer, Ashley’s hand slid to Shepard’s hard nipple and began to tease. She caressed the taut bud, sometimes lightly pinching, sometimes flicking. Enjoying the sounds the other woman made with each new movement. Shepard’s hand mirrored her actions and they were both soon pressing into each other, wanting more but determined to take their time this round.

Ashley moved her hand slowly to Shepard’s abdomen, tracing the lines of her defined stomach muscles and swirling around her belly button. She could feel the muscles tense under her hand, and Shepard’s breathing became more labored. She moved her hand further down, through the trimmed patch of hair, and then under her own leg to stroke the wet folds of Shepard’s core. The other woman groaned and tilted her hips to allow Ashley full access to roam. Roam she did, with a touch not so light as to tickle, but not quite hard enough to build towards any conclusion. She caressed and explored, barely dipping one finger into Shepard, receiving a moan for her efforts. Her fingers found their way back up to Shepard’s clit, but they were so slick that her movements did not create too much friction.

“Oh, Kennedy, I love the way you feel.”

She raised her wet fingers up to her mouth and sucked them.

“And I love the way you taste.”

Shepard watched, eyes wide, pupils dilated with desire.

Ashley leaned back into her and kissed her deeply, her hand going back to Shepard’s center. This time she slowly slid two fingers into her. Shepard moaned into her mouth and rocked her hips into Ashley’s hand, taking her as deep as she could. Ashley’s thumb made soft circles on her clit, and she gradually built a rhythm. She moved faster and Shepard grabbed the back of her neck, holding them as tight as she could, gripping with white knuckles. When Shepard began to pant, Ashley quickened her pace even more. Shepard pulled her face back and roared in ecstasy, her inner walls pulsating around Ashley’s fingers as she orgasmed.

Ashley watched in awe as Shepard’s body rocked and spasmed, but she did not stop, wanting to bring her to the edge a second time. The commander began to rock her hips again, and had barely finished the first scream when a second followed on. When Ashley would have tried for a third, she put a hand on her arm, quietly asking for a break. They lay there, Shepard still twitching from the aftershocks, Ashley drinking in every image and sound and smell.

Shepard’s eyes remained closed, but her hand caressed Ashley’s face. Then she opened her eyes and the look there brought the other woman up short. There was naked desire, to be sure, but her eyes were filled with love and contentment as well. It was plain to see that she was exactly where she wanted to be, back here in Ashley’s arms. All of the fear and uncertainty that had dwelt in her heart for so long had simply vanished. She looked back into those green eyes the color of an Irish hillside and tried to express with a look what her words could not. The silent poetry translated perfectly, and Shepard saw the woman she had fallen in love with back on the SR-1. She had always known she was still there, and she had longed to have that woman back. She had begun to believe it would be impossible, but now those eyes- she had finally come back to Shepard.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of things about this chapter- the letters written by members of the military is real. My brother read part of the one he wrote to his now wife at their wedding. He was deployed to Iraq while they were planning the wedding, so they had to postpone until he got back. He lost five of his men on that deployment alone and it was important to him to remember how close he came to losing everything before it even began. That was part of the inspiration for this scene- the idea of knowing what a loved one's last words to you would be if they made it back.
> 
> The poem is "Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep" by Mary Elizabeth Frye. I borrowed the idea of the words tattooed on Ashley from Drummerchick7's truly excellent work "Check and Mate". Using Samantha as the one Ashley had her one nighter with was an homage to the Ash/Sam pairing from her work, too. I knew I wanted to explore the idea of Ash being mean cause of guilt over trying to move on, just didn't know who I wanted it to be with until I read that. It just made the threads of the story come together so well, since I could use it to explain how she acted on Mars, too. Plus, bonus, the large forearm tattoo of words reminding you daily of a loved one is based on my own forearm tattoo of my mom's handwriting I got after I lost her. It's amazing how often you look at your own forearm- perfect place for a piece of art you want to be sure to see every day.


	6. Chapter 6

Ashley arrived at her side, like an angel, carrying sweet relief.

"Your coffee, Commander."

Shepard looked up from the assets terminal in the war room, her eyes bloodshot and hooded with exhaustion.  She smiled and took the steaming mug, "You saved my life again, LC."

Despite the welcome addition of Ashley to her bed, Shepard was still not sleeping well or often enough.  The Reapers were gaining more ground.  More colonies and home worlds burned.  And then there was the loss of Mordin.  The freshness of the wound stung, adding to the healing itch of the loss of Thane.  Shepard had respected Thane, but he had been a late addition to the old crew.  Mordin she had adored.  His humor, while not always intentional, was the most vivid memory of her time on the Cerberus Normandy.  The memories would hit her at the oddest times.  His singing Gilbert and Sullivan.  His love of art and culture in all species.  His hilarious misunderstanding, when he 'let her down easy' about his lack of attraction to her. 

Ashley soothed her nightmares, and she had come to recognize when her mood turned dark with memory.  Shepard wondered whether she could have survived one more day without having Ashley back in her life.  Back in her arms.

She looked down at her coffee.  It was thick with the wretched powdered creamer the Alliance provided.  The exact color she made it herself, "How is it, Ash, that you can make my coffee so perfectly?"

Ashley's own cup was completely black, no cream, no sugar, just coffee, "Well, I've had a lot of practice the last few days.  Speaking of which, you need to sleep, Kennedy."

Shepard waved a dismissive hand and scalded her throat by downing half the mug in one.  The pain and caffeine flooding her body and waking her up.  Ashley just shook her head and drank deep from her own mug.

"How can you drink this stuff with no mixers, Ashley?  It's terrible.  Makes me miss Gardner.  He couldn't cook worth a damn, but he made a fine pot of coffee."

"I prefer the taste of coffee, even bad coffee, over that powder.  It's foul.  Besides, I'm clearly more butch than you.  I have to have something to remind you of that."

Shepard raised her eyebrow at the long, dark hair that was no longer worn in a bun and the obvious makeup as she said, sarcastically, "That you are, babe.  That you are."

They stood for a moment, drinking their coffee in silence.  They were waiting for the rest of the team to arrive for a more personal council of war than was had with the quarian admiralty.  It was all well and good for them to tell Shepard what they wanted from her, but she trusted her team's opinion far more.  She wanted to hear from them about strategy and tactics.  She knew there would be a tough decision to make in the end, and it would have to play out perfectly to save the quarians and the geth.  If she was honest with herself, that was what she wanted.  Peace and cooperation between the two races would be good for them, but also good for the war, and so good for Earth.  The problem was, she wasn't sure how this would play out with her team.  Tali liked and respected Legion, but would never betray her own people for Legion or the geth, especially now that she was an admiral.  Legion was faced with the mirror image of Tali's struggle. 

Then there was Ashley.  How could Shepard expect her to be objective, given her experience on Eden Prime?  She had watched the geth slaughter her squad. She had watched them turn colonists into husks.  She had been seconds from dying at their hands herself.  Then there was the fact that she had never met Legion before he came on board a few days ago, and did not know that he was different.  She would surely want them utterly destroyed, but Shepard simply couldn't do it.  She hadn't been able to do it with the rachni on Noveria or Utuuku, and she couldn't do it with the geth.  Destroying the Reapers who were trying to wipe out all life was warranted, but playing God with every species in the galaxy was not right.  She sighed, hoping that this would not destroy the relationship she and Ashley had finally been able to rebuild.

Samantha walked into the war room, nodded at Shepard and Ashley, and went to a console to work until everyone else arrived.  She was always early, and Shepard liked that about her.

Ashley cleared her throat and leaned against the railing of the war map.  She looked uncomfortable and Shepard was relieved, at least, that they were going to have this out before everyone else got here.  Ashley spoke, "Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what's going to happen down on Rannoch."

She paused, smiling at Liara, who had just walked in, chatting with Tali, who looked nervous.  Liara looked over at Samantha and smiled, but continued talking to Tali.

Ashley continued, "You remember..."

Garrus walked in and stood, hands crossed at his waist, leaning on the railing to the second level.  Ashley had clearly not anticipated having an audience for this, but she plowed ahead anyway, "You remember the conversation we had on our sixth date?"

A lopsided grin spread over Shepard's face.  It had been a very good date.  They had been on the run from the Council after stealing the Normandy.  Those had been good days, even though there had been less time for them to be alone, especially at night.  Everything seemed to move so much faster back then.  She saw Ashley smile with her, and she replied, "Of course I remember.  Not sure how it applies now though.  I mean, we don't even have a Mako anymore."

Liara and Tali's conversation had stopped, and they were clearly listening, though they were being more discreet than Garrus.  Ashley furrowed her brow and asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Our sixth date.  It was to that Salarian noodle bar on the third moon of Nephron.  You told me that I didn't always have to drive over mountains, I could drive around them.  Liara had thrown up on you in the back seat the day before.  I am pretty sure it was like the third time, and you said you were 'tired of cleaning asari barf out of your assault rifle.'"

Tali put her hand to her filter to try to stifle her laughter.  Liara blushed purple, and Garrus chuckled, his mandibles fluttering.  He said, "I totally remember hearing about that day!  You had tried to take the Mako up a cliff, but it was too steep.  You got almost to the top, and the old girl just dropped like a stone.  Then you ran over a thresher maw with the thing.  I was cleaning guts out of the drive shaft and vomit off the windshield for a week!"

Liara sputtered something about the gravity on the planet and sensitive asari digestion.  Samantha was grinning from ear to ear, but still looking down at her console.

"So we have you to thank for the sudden change in Shepard's driving habits, Ashley?  I should send you a gift of some sort.  If only you had taught her how to back the thing up without slamming into walls and rocks."

Shepard feigned indignation, "I'll have you know that I received top marks in N7 training for my Mako piloting skills."

Ashley retorted, "If you were considered a good driver, than God help the rest of the Navy."  The room erupted in laughter, and she continued, "But that's not the point, skipper.  That was our fifth date.  Our sixth date was to that coffee bar in the Upper Wards after we defeated Saren.  The fundraiser for repairs?  It was that famous elcor spoken word artist.  Remember?"

Samantha had abandoned all pretense and asked, "How can an elcor perform spoken word poetry?  I mean, doesn't it lose something when they describe their emotions before each verse?"

Shepard looked over her shoulder at Samantha, explaining, "It was actually kind of cool.  Every so often he would throw out an emotion that was different from what you would think he was trying to evoke, so it made you reinterpret the whole piece.  It was fascinating."

Ashley was awash in the memories of the night.  It had been magical.  The poetry.  The unexpected weight of the performance that keep everyone thinking.  The blissful night they spent together in Shepard's cabin after.  She blushed at how her heart quickened at the thought.  Shepard had locked eyes with her.  Her look said quite plainly that she was remembering the same thing, but, far from being embarrassed by her wandering thoughts, she was enjoying the playfulness of it all.

Apparently they were not being overly subtle, because Tali made an impatient clicking noise, crossed her arms, and said, "Uggh, they're doing it again!  Excuse me, the fate of my entire species is at stake!  Stop flirting with each other and get to the point so we can start this meeting and save my home world!"

Shepard shuffled and rubbed the back of her neck, Ashley laced her fingers together and muttered an apology before continuing, "It is, actually, kind of, about that.  We had this talk, on our sixth date..."

"Our seventh date."

"Oh my God, woman, the taco truck in the Horse Head Nebula does NOT count as a date!  Anyway, we had this talk about what counts as sapient life.  If synthetics can truly be considered alive, and thus should be protected."

At that moment, Legion walked into the war room.  The whole room tensed, and Legion nodded to Shepard with a quick, "Shepard Commander."

Ashley tried to ignore the shift in mood, determined to say her peace, "And I said that the geth did not know right from wrong and had no sense of self, so they could not be considered true life forms."

Samantha looked like she wanted to run from the room, Tali shifted her weight from foot to foot, staring at the floor.  Garrus held his body perfectly still, looking at the ceiling, but his mandibles twitched once.  Liara didn't seem to be paying as much attention as was her habit, she was looking at Samantha, a bemused smile on her face.  Shepard wondered if she had suffered a recent concussion.

Ashley looked boldly at Legion and said, "I said then that, as soon as they reached those two levels of empathetic maturity, then I would say they deserved to be saved."  She paused and said the rest in a rush, "So now I've met Legion and what he showed you- the way the geth have evolved. I see that they have reached that stage, and I am so sorry Tali, but I don't think it is right to destroy them.  I don't think it's right to let them destroy the quarians, but I don't think they want to do that, either.  Not once the Reaper influence is gone, anyway.  There has to be some way to make peace between them.  I just don't think I can stomach any plan that doesn't at least TRY to keep both the geth and the quarians alive."

This speech was met with a long, loud silence.  Every pair of eyes was trained unblinkingly on Ashley.  Disbelief was in all of them.  All except Shepard's.  She had learned to never be surprised by the woman she loved.

"Wow, Ashley," Garrus said, finally breaking the stillness of the room.  "You've come a long way from 'I can't tell the aliens from the animals.'"

Ashley blushed and even flinched a little at the reminder.  She had never been shy about saying that while they visited the Citadel.  Even if Garrus, Tali, Wrex, or Liara had been standing right there. 

"Not my proudest moment," She said to the floor.  But she squared her shoulders and met the eye of all of her non-human squadmates and told them, "I owe you all an apology for how I acted back then.  Some of the things I said were... well, insensitive doesn't really begin to describe it.  I'm sorry for saying that Garrus.  I'm sorry for a lot of things."

Her eyes flicked to Shepard but did not remain.  They had made their peace, and Shepard had made it clear that she was done allowing Ashley to beat herself up over it.  Shepard's heart swelled with pride.  She had thought there was nothing that could make her love Ashley more, but this change of heart, this opening of her mind was something that Shepard had been waiting for for so long.

Legion's facial panels flared, and its face turned to Ashley, but it said nothing.  Tali looked at her hard, as well, nodding to accept the apology, but unsure how to respond to the previous sentiment. 

Shepard stepped forward, "I couldn't agree more, Ashley.  The question is, can we make it work?  Legion, will the geth be willing to make peace with the quarians after the Reaper indoctrination ends?"

"Yes, Shepard Commander.  We have reached consensus.  We wish to live in peace with the Creators."

"Tali?"

Tali wrung her hands, "I am less certain, Shepard.  You know the opinion of the admiralty board.  It will be... difficult to convince my people that they can trust the geth.  I trust Legion, Shepard, but I will not risk my people.  If there must be a choice made, I will choose my people."

Shepard nodded, "I understand, Tali.  I'll do my best to ensure it doesn't come down to that.  If it does..."  She glanced from Legion to Tali.  She knew, in her heart, that if she had to choose, she would choose to save the quarians.  Perhaps she wasn't as evolved as she thought, but she would choose organics over synthetics every time.  She couldn't look Legion in the eye and say that, though.  Or the flashlight.  Either way.  She had lost too many friends recently to stomach the thought of losing Tali or Legion.  She did not want to add another name to the memorial board. 

"If it does, Shepard Commander, we will respect your decision."

Maybe Legion was more intuitive than she thought.

"It won't, Legion."

Shepard began to rethink the wisdom of this meeting.  Had she thought it could possibly not be this awkward?  She had to lighten the mood before she sent them all away.  They couldn't have this hanging over all of their heads before the fight.  She couldn't spoil Tali's first steps on Rannoch.

"Now.  On to other business.  I think we can all agree that a meal together, even a stop at a taco truck, no matter how brief, can DEFINITELY be considered a date."

 

******

Ashley watched Shepard closely in the shuttle back from Rannoch.  She was always good at keeping up a brave face in front of the team.  Always the stalwart leader.  But Ashley knew her better than that.  Tali was thrilled at having her home world back, and Legion's sacrifice could not dent the joy of coming home after 300 years of exile.  Shepard felt it, though, Ashley could tell.  She saw the exact moment that Shepard slipped into that thousand yard stare and couldn't hold back the flood of bittersweet memories.

She followed Shepard at a respectful distance as the woman exited the shuttle, moving like an automaton.  Her steps taking her to the equipment changing area out of habit rather than desire.  Her hands were gentle and unobtrusive as she stripped the hard armor off the commander and then herself.  Shepard was standing, staring at the wall, and Ashley reached for her hand, twining their fingers together.  She gently pulled Shepard with her toward the elevator, and took her to the Starboard Observation Deck.

She sat on the couch, looking out at the stars, and lay Shepard down, her head in Ashley's lap.  They were both still wearing their sweat stained compression suits.  They were dusty and they smelled bad, and she ran her fingers through Shepard's wet hair, smoothing down the bumps left by her helmet.  She was quiet for a long time, her head turned towards the window, and then she started talking to Ashley. 

She told her stories about Legion from when they were flying Cerberus colors.  About meeting him on the derelict Reaper.  About him searching for her and using her N7 armor to patch a hole.  About his many attempts to save his people from the Collectors, the Reapers, and the quarians.  She told Ashley about the argument between Legion and Tali, and how she worked a compromise for them then, too.  Then about the attack on the Collector Base, and sending him through the tunnels.

She talked herself into silence, the sweat drying on her body as she spoke, Ashley still stroking her hair.  She turned her head to look into Ashley's eyes, and her own eyes were dry.  She was worn out, but she wasn't going to break down completely. 

Liara walked in then.  She didn't say a word, just went to a table with a bottle in her hand.  She poured three glasses, and handed them out before settling to lean against the window.  They drank in silence for a moment, Shepard raising her head to drink occasionally, but always returning to rest in Ashley's lap.  She balanced the glass on her stomach and held it there lightly.  None of them looked at each other. 

Liara started telling stories about Mordin and the way they had bonded on Shepard’s many stops at Illium and Hagalaz. Two aliens with scientific minds surrounded by human soldiers.  About his insistent chatter. Their reconnection when he joined the Normandy again after Sur’kesh.  About his delicacy with Eve, and his sorrow over the women at the clinic run by his student on Tuchanka.  Shepard told them how he had assumed Shepard was hitting on him because she talked to him frequently, and how she thanked him for 'letting her down easy.'  Ashley laughed at that one and shook her head.  Then Shepard told them about his singing Gilbert and Sullivan and they laughed themselves into silence.

They had refilled their glasses before Ashley started talking about meeting Thane in Huerta during physical therapy.  She had been stubborn and angry about her slow recovery, and he had been encouraging and kind.  Shepard didn't mention that she had asked him to look out for her.  He had been a late addition to the crew, and Liara hadn't met him until after the mission to save his son.  They all spoke at length of his love of Kolyot and his religion and his memories of his wife. 

They had talked themselves into silence again.  None of them seemed to have anything more to say, but the mood had certainly lifted.  Liara nodded and walked out of the room.  Shepard smiled at Ashley, then stood and held out her hand.  Ashley stood and took it, and they walked hand in hand to the elevator.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little smut for the heck of it!

Ashley held her temper on the shuttle through the storm back to the ship.  She held it through the call to Dr. Ann Bryson.  She held it while they dropped off their weapons and armor with Cortez.  She held it as they rode on the elevator in their compression suits.  Things got touchy when Shepard refused to get off at the crew deck with Liara to go see Dr. Chakwas.  Liara gave Ashley a knowing look and a shrug, and she almost enlisted Liara's help. She thought better of it and held back and the doors closed.  Shepard grabbed her temples, trying to massage the headache away, but Ashley held her temper even then.  
  
It wasn't until the door to Shepard's cabin hissed closed behind them and Shepard headed for the bathroom, pulling her shirt over her head that Ashley exploded.  
  
"Goddamnit, Shepard!  If you EVER pull another asinine, reckless, stupid..."  
  
Shepard's tousled head emerged from the tight neck of her shirt and she interrupted, "What?  I didn't get all of that.  Did you just call me stupid?"  
  
Ashley stormed into the bathroom after her, "No, I didn't call you stupid, but now that you mention it..."  
  
Shepard's grin was all teeth and silliness, "Come on!  It wasn't that bad."  
  
Ashley ripped the clinging fabric of her own compression shirt off over her head and gave Shepard a piercing look, "Not that bad?  You leave Liara and I alone on the hull of a sinking ship and jump into a fathoms deep ocean inside an Atlas mech that could have been corroded or damaged or God knows what to find an alien capable of taking down a Reaper who has tried to kill you multiple times!  You think that's a logical thing to do?"  
  
Shepard peeled the armored boot socks off of her feet and turned the water for the shower on, stepping out of the blast of water while it warmed up.  The whole time she had her eyes glued on Ashley's bare stomach and the sports bra above it, "Oh, you and Li can handle a couple of brutes by yourself!  I was more worried Cortez would faint or something."  
  
"Of course Liara and I can handle ourselves, you know that's not the point!  And would you stop staring at my tits while I'm yelling at you!"  
  
Shepard's grin grew wider and she yanked off her own bra.  She never had lacked confidence in her own body, and Ashley was furious at herself when she felt the faint stirrings of arousal at the sight of her girlfriend topless.  
  
Shepard let her stare silently for a moment before cocking her hip to the side and adopting a teasing tone, "What was the point then, babe?"  
  
Ashley peeled off her pants and socks together and stood straight.  She knew from the look on Shepard's face that she had regained the advantage.  The woman couldn't stop starring, her eyes flitting between the two skimpy pieces of clothing the LC still wore while she worked her way out of her own pants.  
  
"The point is... The point is that it was crazy and reckless and you could have died!"  
  
When she heard it out loud, Ashley realized how ridiculous it sounded.  Of course she could have died, they were fighting a war and they were both soldiers in that war.  They were right on the front lines every day with bullets and biotics and explosions surrounding them.  The argument was ridiculous, but she stuck to it because she still felt that cold trickle of fear in her stomach at the thought of what Shepard had done.  
  
The commander's smile made it clear that she had no intention of pointing out how ludicrous Ashley’s argument was.  Instead, as was her style, she would tease.  She had finished taking her clothes off, and she backed into the spray of the shower, saying, "But I didn't die.  Why don't you come over here and show me how happy you are about that?"  
  
Ashley couldn't help it.  She couldn't help the way her heart skipped a beat as Shepard leaned back against the metal wall of the shower, letting the water pour over her pert breasts and down the smooth line of her stomach.  She couldn't help the way heat pooled between her legs at the thought of pressing her body against that wet skin.  She was out of her bra and underwear before she was aware of deciding to remove them.  The smirk on Shepard's face was infuriating, but not enough to stop her from moving forward into the flow of steaming hot water.  
  
Her lips found Shepard's in a burning kiss, and she trailed one hand down to the swell of her breast.  As the kiss deepened, Ashley caught Shepard's nipple between her fingers and pinched hard, just the way she knew the commander liked it.  The woman groaned into her mouth and immediately spread her legs far enough for Ashley to slip her muscular thigh between.  Shepard gripped her back and started to grind against her leg without a second's hesitation.  
  
Ashley broke the kiss but kept their bodies pressed close.  She whispered, "Kennedy..."

The response was dripping with need, "Oh, Ash..."  
  
Ashley dipped her head and kissed down Shepard's neck, earning a groan.  Shepard's fingers dug harder into her back, and Ashley's thigh was slick with the evidence of Shepard's need.  
  
"Kennedy..." She whispered a little louder this time, careful to let her lips brush against Shepard's neck as she spoke, "Kennedy, if you ever pull another stupid, reckless, asinine stunt like that I will never go down on you again."  
  
"Oh god, yes... Wait, what?!" As she finally registered what Ashley had threatened, she pushed hard on the LC's shoulders.  Separating them enough to look into Ashley's eyes with a mixture of fear and anger, she said, " That's not... You can't!  Ash, that's way below the belt!"  
  
"Well, then," Ashley said, a purr in her voice and her fingers still teasing Shepard's nipple, "Now you know.  If you ever want _my_ head below _your_ belt again, you'll be a little more careful."  
  
Shepard groaned as she moved her attentions to her other nipple, pressing forward with her thigh, "That's not... Oh god that feels good... We're at war, Ash!  I'll be... Fuck... Harder!  I'll be in danger all the time!"  
  
Ashley kissed back up Shepard's neck and jaw to her mouth.  When she spoke, her lips brushed against Shepard's, "Battles are okay.  Jumping into an ocean to make a house call on a known enemy, not okay."  
  
Shepard caught her bottom lip as she finished speaking and sucked it into her mouth, nipping gently and releasing it to reply, "Okay!  No more oceans.  No more chats with sworn enemies..."  
  
"And no more running off alone with Aria T'loak!  She looked at you like she wanted to swallow you whole last time we were in Purgatory."  
  
Shepard's fingers bit into her back and she growled with frustration, "Fine!  No solos with Aria either!  I promise!  Just please fuck me, Ash, before I go insane!"  
  
Ashley grinned, "Mmmm.... The unflappable Commander Shepard begging.  Now that's hot!" She leaned forward into another desperate kiss, her tongue claiming Shepard's mouth with ferocity. Pulling back slowly from the kiss she said, "Why don't I show you just what you'd be missing if you break your promise?"  
  
And with a final peck on Shepard's chin, she dropped slowly to her knees in the pounding water.  Shepard dropped her head back and sighed, spreading her legs wider at Ashley's touch on her thigh.  Ashley settled comfortably on her knees and used her thumbs to spread Shepard open in front of her.  Just the feel of the warm air on her throbbing clit made the commander groan.  Ashley smiled at the noise, wrapping her lips around the swollen bud in front of her.  Shepard's hand was in her wet hair, her hips bucking forward the minute Ashley touched her.  
  
Ashley's tongue flicked out, teasing and licking.  The muscles of Shepard's thighs tensed and quivered.  
  
"Fuck, Ash!  That feels so good, baby.  Don't stop, don't ever stop."  
  
Who could argue with that?  She pressed her tongue against Shepard over and over, painting circles over the bundle with ever increasing speed.  Shepard groaned as the pressure inside her built.  It took everything she had to not grind her hips into Ashley's mouth or use the hand at the back of her head to force the pace.  Ashley was a master at pleasing her, always knowing how to make her lose herself.  She let her lover take charge, knowing she would reap the rewards of her patience.  
  
Ashley's fingers gripped harder at the toned thighs beneath her.  The taste of her lover on her tongue was driving her slowly towards desperation.  She wanted to take her time, prolong Shepard's pleasure as long as she could, but the pounding between her own thighs was becoming too insistent to ignore.  She pulled her tongue back, flicking lightly and quickly over the tip of Shepard's clit before diving back in with bruising force.  Shepard barked her approval, and Ashley felt the woman's abs clench in anticipation.  
  
Shepard opened her eyes and looked down for the first time since Ashley's knees hit the floor of the shower.  The sight of her lover's head working between her thighs was all it took to send her over the edge.  With a howl, the floodgates inside her released and her inner walls pulsed and fluttered.  She couldn't stop herself from pressing forward with her hips, but Ashley caught her and held her in place, her rhythm never faltering.  The searing fluid that poured from her core was washed away by the rush of the shower.  Ashley's tongue slowed as the first of the aftershocks hit her, and Shepard was speechless and still when she stopped.  Ashley rocked back on her heels and then stood, Shepard barely able to breathe, much less react to her movement.

The feel of Ashley's mouth on hers was what finally brought her down from the high of her orgasm.  After a moment she remembered to kiss back, tasting herself on Ashley's lips and tongue.  The woman's body was practically shivering with need, her muscles tense as a bow string.  Shepard decided to make her suffer just a little.  She raised her hands, but instead of going to the rock hard nipples that were pressed into her, she let her fingertips trail lazily up and down the woman's bicep.  Ashley pressed forward with her hips, but Shepard kept their bodies aligned so that she found no surface to grind against.  Finally, with a whimper, Ashley took Shepard's hands in her own and pressed them to her breasts.  Her lover, however, left them there loosely, not even stroking her palms over the tight buds.  
  
"Come on, Ken!  Don't do this to me!  I need you."  
  
Ashley kissed harder and moved her hands to Shepard's hips, trying to shift their bodies so she could find the friction she craved.  Shepard still wouldn't budge, still kissed back lazily.  
  
"Jesus fucking Christ!  I'm going to..."  
  
Shepard's hands were on her wrists.  Their bodies spun and Ashley's ass and shoulders banged hard against the warm, wet metal of the bathroom wall.  Shepard held her body back from Ashley’s and pinned her wrists against the wall above her head.  She gasped with relief as much as surprise.  
  
"Don't take the Lord's name in vain, Williams." Shepard's smile was a leer.  She bent to suck one of Ashley's nipples into her mouth.  Before she could even make a noise of pleasure, her lover had released her, saying, "And no more threats, love."  
  
She leaned her face down, taking the other nipple between her teeth gently, letting her tongue flick over the captured tip.  Ashley moaned and pressed her throbbing clit against thin air, mindless with need.  
  
"We both know you love fucking me too much to carry through with them."  
  
She adjusted her grip on Ashley's wrists, freeing up one hand to slide slowly down the plane of Ashley's stomach.  She wandered off of her downward path the skim gently over a prominent hipbone.  
  
"You know it's true.  You know you'd never deny me."  
  
Her fingertips trailed through the hair between Ashley's legs, but made no move to go lower.  The tease of that touch was maddening.  
  
Ashley whimpered, "You know I couldn't."  
  
"Say it," Shepard's voice was soft and coaxing, seducing the confession out of her.  "Say you'd never hold back from me.  Say you'd fuck me however and whenever because we both want it."  
  
Shepard's fingers stopped dead right at the edge of her patch of hair.  She was so close to touching Ashley where she needed it most it felt like time had frozen.  
  
Ashley opened her eyes and looked straight into those glowing green orbs.  They were clouded with lust.  Ashley felt like her own frantic need was being reflected back at her, and she knew in that instant that Shepard was right.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing could compel her to deny this woman anything. She would never say no, but Shepard would never insist.  But behind the lust and the teasing was the faintest flicker of doubt.  The tiniest fear that Ash would carry through and she would be powerless to fight back.  
  
"I could never hold back from you, Kennedy.  I could never deny you anything.  Please..."  
  
Shepard's hand moved that fraction of an inch that Ashley needed, and she nearly cried with relief.  Shepard pressed against her, burying her face in Ashley's shoulder as her hand rubbed tantalizing circles over her throbbing clit.  Ashley buried her face into the wet, choppy hair in front of her and bucked her hips wildly in rhythm with Shepard's hand.  She lost all sense of time and space, the ecstasy she was feeling at Shepard's touch culling her mind of all thought.  They moved together frantically, barely keeping their balance on the wet floor.  
  
"Come for me, baby."

The words were whispered pleadingly into Ashley's ear, but they may as well have been a shouted command.  Shepard's lips had barely stopped moving when her whole body convulsed and pleasure exploded from her.  She felt her body slide a few inches down the wall, her legs giving out beneath her, before Shepard caught her weight and held her in place.  Her core pulsed and clenched, bright lights popping in front of her eyes.  Shepard finally released her wrists, and she immediately wrapped her arms around the woman's neck, holding her close as she eased Ashley through the aftershocks.  
  
They stood pressed together until the water coursing over them became noticeably colder.  Shepard pulled away from her reluctantly and cupped her cheek, stealing a gentle kiss.  
  
"I think we should go get into bed, don't you?"  
  
She kissed Ashley's fingers one by one, a suggestive twinkle in her eye.  
  
"Are you kidding?  I don't think I'll be able to walk for days."  
  
Shepard shut the water off and slipped a strong arm around her waist, "I guess I'll just have to carry you then."  
  
Ashley weighed her options, picturing the romance of being swept off of her feet and carried to bed.  She could almost feel that strong arm gripping under her knees and lifting her up.  She pictured the tantalizing closeness of Shepard's breasts and mouth while she was cradled and carried.  
  
"Well... If you insist..."  
  
Shepard pulled Ashley's arm around her shoulder and bent to lift her, but it wasn't at all what she had pictured.  Instead of a romantic cradling, Shepard bent her at the waist, pulling Ashley over her shoulder in a fireman’s carry and marching towards the bathroom door with Ashley slung over her shoulder like a sack of dirty laundry.  
  
Ashley laughed and tried to prop herself up, pressing her hands against the small of Shepard's back, "This isn't exactly what I had in mind, Kennedy."  
  
"No?" Her lover said with mocking innocence.  She reached up and smacked a hand down hard on Ashley's ass.  " You should have been more specific, I guess."  
  
"Ouch!  Oh, you are so gonna pay for this!"  
  
"Mmmm," Shepard said as the bathroom door slid shut behind them.  "I certainly hope so."


	8. Chapter 8

For once, Shepard awoke naturally from a sleep undisturbed by nightmares or emergency calls from the CIC.  She had slept a whole eight hours, and she felt completely refreshed.  She had not set an alarm, but after years of an exacting military schedule, her body would not allow her to oversleep.  She heard a soft noise from beside her, and rolled onto her side and slung her arm over Ashley.  The movement was not enough to wake her girlfriend, so she planted a soft kiss on her bare shoulder.  This earned her a sleepy whimper, but nothing more to show she would be awake any time soon. 

Shepard grinned and took a deep breath laden with the scent of Ashley's hair.  It smelled like jasmine shampoo with the faintest hint of sweat from sleep.  Being an active person and given their own history of flirting in the gym, Shepard loved the smell of sweat.  She slipped out of bed as quietly as she could, giving Ash the last few moments of sleep.  She padded across the rubberized floor of her cabin in bare feet, the glow of the massive fish tank providing the only light until she reached her desk, where she flipped on a dim reading lamp.  She started a pot of coffee brewing and checked her private terminal for messages.  Not a lot of good news, but at least there had been no major setbacks recently.  The asari councilor had sent her another message requesting a meeting.  She didn't have a good feeling about that meeting, and so she put her off again.  There were one or two things she could deal with out here before heading back to the Citadel. 

The coffee maker wheezed and spluttered, and Shepard shot a quick glance over at Ashley, hoping the sounds hadn't woken her.  She was lying flat on her stomach, her arms and legs spread wide, one foot hanging off the bed.  The noise disturbed her enough that she pulled the pillow over her head with a grunt, but then she was still.  Shepard made herself a cup of coffee, and then leaned against the fish tank, watching Ashley sleep. 

They had arrived at the gym the evening before to find James already there lifting weights and bragging, as was his habit.  He had challenged them to a pull up contest.  Ashley had dominated.  Her strength was no match for James, of course, but she was lighter and had endurance that he lacked.  She had gloated mercilessly until he collected the remains of his dignity and left.  After a grueling run on the treadmills and an abbreviated circuit on free weights, they headed back to Shepard's cabin. 

They hadn't made it to the bed.  Shepard had been waiting for them to be alone since Ashley had crushed James at his own game and it was all she could do to keep their hands to themselves in the elevator.  They made love all night right there on the floor in front of the fish tank, mindless of the cold, hard floor in their need for each other. They had been too exhausted even for a second round in the shower before practically falling into bed.

The sound of her door hissing open did nothing to distract Shepard from her pleasant thoughts.  She didn't move or turn around.  It was probably Liara, anyway, and she would come in all the same.   

"Oh, forgive me, Commander.  I'm sorry to disturb you."

It was Sam's voice, and sounding very uncomfortable, though Shepard couldn't imagine why.  She turned, smiling at the comm specialist.  She stood just inside the doorway, her hands fiddling with a datapad.  She was blushing and looking anywhere but at Shepard, who looked down at herself.  She was wearing a black tank top and a pair of grey boy shorts.  Not exactly professional attire, but not indecent.  Samantha had come to her cabin early in the morning, after all.  What had she expected Shepard wore to bed? Full dress blues? 

"You aren't disturbing me, Samantha. Come on in.  How can I help you?"

She hadn't bothered to keep her voice down, and there was an annoyed grumble from under Ashley's pillow.  Samantha blushed even harder when she shot a glance to the bed and realized Shepard wasn't alone.

"Just... just some scanner reports, ma'am.  From last night.  There are some interesting resources in this cluster, but we would need to move quickly.  Reapers are entering the sector..."

EDI's voice boomed out from the overhead comm, "Lieutenant Commander Williams' shift will begin in one hour, Commander."

Ashley responded to the summons, which, it should be noted, she had requested, with a string of profanity and some aspersions upon the fidelity of parents she was well aware EDI did not possess.  Since this was her usual response to EDI's reminders, Shepard had asked the AI not to point out the inaccuracies.  

Shepard took the datapad from Samantha, laughing and scanning the reports.  Ashley stumbled out of bed and made her way gracelessly up the stairs. 

Shepard said to Samantha without looking up from the reports, "You must forgive Lieutenant Commander Williams, Sam.  She's not a morning person." 

As Ashley passed between the two of them, her eyes almost completely closed, her hair a mess, Shepard smacked her on the ass.  Ashley yelped and flicked off Shepard, who laughed and continued, "She's a lousy marine, but a fantastic lay. So I keep her around."

Ashley poured a mug of hot coffee for herself and replied without turning around, "Fuck you."

Shepard smiled at her back and hunched shoulders, “Fuck you…?”

“Fuck you, _ma’am_.”

 Samantha shifted from foot to foot, looking uncomfortable, "The reports... Commander?"

"Yes, of course.  Let the navigator know that we will... actually- I'll send him a message, it'll be complicated.  Wait for a moment and I'll let you take this back when I'm done."

She turned her back to Sam and bent over to type the message at her private terminal.  Ashley had woken up a little from the coffee, and she was sitting on the far end of Shepard's desk next to the space hamster.  She looked up to see a predatory look in Samantha's eye and a provocatively raised eyebrow. She was staring at Shepard's butt, which was on full display as she bent over in front of the specialist, typing her message.  Shepard was, of course, clueless of the fact that her toned body was inches from Samantha’s and that the pose was rather suggestive. She typed away the message completely unaware of the affect she was having on the woman behind her.

Ashley cleared her throat and Samantha jumped guiltily.  Ashley raised one eyebrow at her, and she dropped her eyes to the floor.  Shepard continued to be oblivious.  She finished her message and went to hand the datapad back to Samantha.  When she saw the woman's posture she looked questioningly at Ashley, who was still glaring. 

"I think that'll be all, Specialist."

Samantha grabbed the datapad and scurried from the room as fast as she could without actually running.  Shepard gave Ashley an amused look, "Okay, what'd I miss?"

Ashley shifted her dark look from the spot formerly occupied by Samantha to her girlfriend, "Nothing more than usual."

Shepard walked over to her.  Ashley was wearing the exact same outfit that she was, military issue, but she filled them out in a completely different way.  She had more muscular thighs and arms, but was also fuller in the chest. The combination was alluring in an almost hypnotic way.  At the moment, she had one arm wrapped around her abdomen, hand resting on her hip.  The other hand had an unnecessarily firm grip on her coffee cup, drawing as much warmth as she could through the ceramic.  As Shepard neared, she stood and walked past her, moving down to the sofa and sitting.  She was pouting, but Shepard found it adorable if inexplicable.

She followed, "Can I have a hint?"

Ashley had intended to scowl at her, but the woman was so damn beautiful, she couldn't bring herself to be mad.  She sighed, "I'm just getting a little tired off all of the attention you get."

"Attention?"

"Sam was checking you out."  Ashley said, and then added with emphasis.  " _Again_."

Shepard laughed, "Sam's a perv.  She's all worked up over Liara. If those two don’t fuck soon Sam’s gonna launch herself onto a fencepost. She would've made a pass at Eve if she'd ever left the Med Bay."

“That’s gross, Ken. Not to mention, having been one of those fenceposts that Samantha launched herself on, I think I take offense.”

Shepard just chuckled and sipped her coffee, “You’re my fencepost now, babe.”

Ashley smiled sourly, "Yeah, well.  She's not the only one.  Liara, Sha'ira, Samara, that Chambers woman that you keep visiting down in the refugee camps.  And don't think I haven't seen the messages you get from Shiala.  They all want you.  Everywhere we go- there's someone new who wants you."

"Ash," Shepard said quietly as she sat next to her, putting a hand on her knee.  "It's not me they want."

"Come on.  Don't play coy. I know you don't encourage it, but they want you."

"No, I know.  What I'm saying is they don't want _me._ They want Commander Shepard."

"You know, it's funny." Ashley said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.  "I could have sworn I was in Commander Shepard's cabin.  I must've taken a wrong turn somewhere.  She is gonna be _pissed_ when she finds out about all the things you and I did last night!"

"Smart ass. You know what I mean."

"No, I really don't.  What are you talking about, Kennedy?"

"That!  Just that.  Those people, all of them, they don't know me. Most of them don’t even know my first name. You do! They don't want me.  They want The Savior of the Citadel.  The Hero of Elysium. They want to score with a celebrity."  She adopted a robotic, sing-song voice.  "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite piece of ass on the Citadel!”

Shepard shook her head and looked tired and sad in a way Ashley hadn’t seen before. She said, “You are the only person… maybe the only person in my whole life… who has ever wanted me for _me_. Who has ever loved me for _me_. Not the holo created by the Alliance to help recruitment. Not the larger than life hero that has been used by everyone- the Alliance, the Council, Cerberus. Hell, even the Collectors wanted me just for what I represent, not who I am. I know it sounds childish and ungrateful to resent being… I don’t know… hero worshipped. But… I’m not that figurehead. I just…”

Ashley put her hand up to Shepard’s face, and stroked her eyebrow with her thumb, “You want to just be Kennedy?”

“Yeah. Right about now that sounds really good.”

Ashley leaned in and kissed Shepard’s forehead. All of the resentment and the annoyance had melted right out of her. She looked into Shepard’s eyes and said, “You know that most of them would still love you for Kennedy as much as they love you for Shepard, right?”

“No chance.”

“Well, now that you mention it, the shine does wear off upon closer examination.”

“Hey!”

They laughed together, and Ashley straightened her face and said, “I mean, you drink like a fish. And you snore.”

“I do not snore!”

“You totally snore, babe. It’s kinda cute.”

Shepard stood, mimicking outrage, “The Savior of the Citadel does not snore!”

Ashley pulled Shepard down so that the commander was straddling her on the couch. She twisted her hand into the shoulder of Shepard’s tank top and pulled her into a bruising kiss. When she broke it and looked into the woman’s eyes, they were dilated with lust.

She said, “No, but my Kennedy does.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'The Perfect Cup of Tea' finishes up before the start of this chapter- just to make the timeline clear.

Stars were slipping past the window in the Starboard Observation Deck at a more languid pace than was usual.  The Normandy was trying to slide into a star system that the Reapers had vacated only recently to scan for a missing Alliance frigate, and Joker was using the opportunity to 'brush up on being sneaky', as he put it.  This left Shepard in the rare and, at the moment, agreeable position of several free hours during her shift.  Liara had convinced her and Traynor to take a break from the CIC until they arrived, and Shepard was more than happy to oblige.  She knew exactly what Liara was up to, and she approved whole heartedly.  Mainly because Liara's awkward attempt to hide her real motive suited Shepard’s own selfish inclinations.

"So Liara and Samantha, huh?  Never would have guessed that one."

Ashley's words had the same lazy feeling as the stars moving by outside.  Shepard was sitting on the couch, her back braced against the arm, legs stretched before her on the cushions.  Ashley lay with her back to Shepard's chest, snuggled between her legs, her head resting in the crook of Shepard's shoulder. The commander’s arm was wrapped around Ashley.  The LC traced lazy circles on the bicep by her ear.  Shepard's other arm rested on Ashley's abdomen, the strong fingers splayed out on the soft fabric of her uniform jacket. 

They so rarely had the opportunity to just sit in each other's arms.  The idea of a lazy weekend was nonexistent on a starship, so Shepard was not used to spending whole days just relaxing in good company.  Ashley had brought her around to the idea.  She had told stories of growing up in the colony, her dad home on leave, waking up late and eating pancakes and watching vids with the idea that not a single productive thing would be done on this day.  Sometimes her dad would read to them as they lay in pillow forts.  Sometimes he would just hold her mom and watch her and her sisters play, the contentment etching smile lines in his weathered face.  Now she lay here, feeling the steady thump of Shepard's heart against her back, and felt that the world had never been more right that it was in this moment.

Shepard gave a noncommittal grunt in response to Ashley.  She found it quite difficult to care about Liara or Sam or anything other than the smell of Ashley's hair and the press of her cheek against her arm.  She was surprised that her body wasn't thrumming with impatience at the stillness.  Then Ashley turned her head slightly and pressed a small kiss against her arm, and her heart melted with joy.  She squeezed her arm a little tighter in acknowledgement of the gesture.

"Ken?"

"Hmmm?"

Ashley tilted her head slightly to try and catch Shepard's eye before she spoke, "On the Citadel, with Udina.  You wouldn't really have shot me, would you?"

Shepard didn't hesitate, "Absolutely not."  Then, after a pause she continued, "Well, maybe.  If you had kept mouthing off at me.  But only in the leg."

Ashley dug her elbow into Shepard's ribs, who let out her breath in a woosh and laughed.

"I am trying to be serious here, Kennedy.  Smart ass."

 “Who said I wasn't being serious? Anyway, I dropped my gun long before you did, so I should probably be asking you that question."

This time Ashley moved to get up, although it was all for play, and she had no intention of removing herself from her pleasant little cocoon.  She really just wanted Shepard to pull her back with her strong arms and gentle words, which she did immediately.

"Okay!  Okay!  Truth is that I knew Udina was using you from the start, so I had my eye on him."

"How could you know that? You were hardly ever on the Citadel."

"Because Udina never appreciated you or your skills enough.  He should have pushed for you to be made a Spectre the minute... well, when I died.  You were the obvious choice, and the best soldier in the Alliance.  The fact that he didn't wise up until Cerberus and the Reapers started pushing on two fronts was... suspicious.  Then there was what he told me when he brought up your appointment in his office."

"What did he say?"

"Well," She shifted her leg slightly in order to pull Ashley in closer to her. "I may have annoyed him a little and he slipped.  I said that it was about time that he recognized your abilities, and he said that one of the reasons he selected you was that you were 'incorruptible'."

Ashley put her hand on the knee that Shepard had raised when she adjusted and started to smooth the fabric there, "And you know better than that, I suppose.  Since you're the one who corrupted me.”

Shepard could feel her smile against the arm by her ear and explained, "Not at all.  In fact, you _are_ incorruptible.  The idea of a career politician like Udina appreciating that trait is the unbelievable part.  That smarmy old pickled bag of douche would see that as a handicap, not an asset.  He was saying it as a dig at me and my time with Cerberus, but it made me realize that his intention was to corrupt you himself."

Ashley squirmed uncomfortably.  She had been inclined to distrust Udina for the same reasons, but she had not been able to see past the honor of the thing to name her suspicion the way Shepard had.  Not for the first time she wondered if that meant she wasn't truly suited to be a Spectre.  Life was so much easier when she was just a grunt.

"I wasn't sure at first what he wanted from you.  My first thought was that he... well, had a thing for you."

"Eww!"

"Yeah, I know.  My thoughts exactly.  Actually, my thought was that if he touched you I would rip his arms off and beat him to death with them.  It's possible that I played that scenario out in my head once or twice."

Ashley tilted her head back and pulled Shepard into a slow kiss with a hand buried in her short hair.  When she broke the kiss, she looked directly into Shepard's surprised but gratified eyes and said, "I'm going to try really hard to pretend that doesn't turn me on just a little."

Shepard just grinned back at her.  Ashley marveled at the goofy happiness of that face.  She let her hand fall from the woman's hair to caress her cheek before turning back to stare out the window and bury herself in Shepard's shoulder.  "You were saying?"

"Uh... right.  Udina.  So anyway, I knew he was going to work on you.  He should have known better, but he was an arrogant ass.  I knew that if he thought we had turned on each other than he would think he had won.  Then he would show himself- prove his betrayal.  And he did when he pulled that gun on Councilor Tevos."

Ashley thought for a moment, trying to decide if she would have, in her state of mind at the time, accepted his being a traitor without that proof.  She realized that she would have had doubts.  She trusted Shepard, but the doubt would remain.  He had shown himself and that had erased all of those doubts, and Shepard had not made her pull the trigger, either.  That meant Shepard knew exactly what she had needed and had risked herself to get that for Ashley.  It wasn't a new revelation, Shepard had proven that time and time again, but it never failed to warm her heart.  She pulled Shepard's arms tighter around her.

"Thank you."

Shepard shrugged at the words, but was thrilled with the affectionate response that accompanied them.  They sat there for a moment, wrapped in a comfortable silence as they watched the stars.  After a long while, Shepard remarked, "I probably saved Udina a world of pain by shooting him.  Everyone seems to think that Tevos and Aria T'loak have a thing.  If he had hurt her girlfriend, I would hate to think what Aria would have done to him."

"Wait, you say that like you know her."

"Oh.  I hadn't mentioned that I know Aria?"

"No, you hadn't mentioned that you know the most wanted criminal in the Terminus."

"Oh.  Yeah.  I know her.  From before, you know, with Cerberus.  She helped me track down Mordin. And Garrus.  Even though she didn't know it was Garrus.  He was going by Archangel..."

"Hold on- Archangel.  As in the vigilante?  He killed dozens of civilians, Shepard!"

"Well, yeah, but they were all criminals!"

Ashley shook her head, but she wasn't really as indignant as she pretended.  After she had found out that meek little archaeologist Liara was the Shadow Broker, and was using the resources that the job came with to help with the war, nothing would surprise her.  Not only that, but she had come to understand that the world was not as much of a 'black and white' kind of place as she had thought when she was a petty officer.  Life on the Normandy and the Citadel had shown her all the many shades of grey that life contained.  Most of that knowledge came from falling in love with a woman who had to deal with all the moral complexities the galaxy had to offer.

Shepard kept her tone light when she said, "Besides, Aria's not all bad.  She really cares about the people on Omega, even though she won't admit it easily.  And she helped out the war!  She united the merc bands..."

"Oh, right!  James told me about that.  You nearly had to kill General Oraka."

Shepard scoffed, "Oraka's a blowhard and a ponce.  We would have been just as well without him, but I couldn't kill him just for being useless."

Ashley rubbed Shepard's arm affectionately.  She couldn't say out loud that she agreed, that wouldn't be playing the game, so decided to tease more, "Hmmm... well, one thing I can say about Aria, she has good taste.  That Tevos," And she whistled appreciatively.

Shepard's arms tensed around her again, and she sat forward a little, trying to catch Ashley's eye, "Hey!  I can hear you!  Don't get me kicked out of the Spectres again!  I don't think they would look kindly upon one of us ripping the arms off of the asari councilor and beating her to death with them."

Ashley threw her head back and laughed.  She loosened herself from Shepard's grip and spun in her arms so that they were face to face.  She moved her lips within millimeters of Shepard's.  As she spoke, she just barely missed brushing them against the commander's, "Not to worry, skipper.  No one's going to touch me but you."

Ashley was within a heartbeat of closing the gap between the two of them. She had already planned where to place her hands and how to swing her hair forward to brush against Shepard's face when they kissed.  Before she had a chance to move, however, Joker's voice blasted through the overhead speaker, "We've arrived in orbit of Irune, commander.  You're needed in the CIC so we can begin scanning."

Ashley groaned and raised her voice, "Have I mentioned how much I hate you, Joker?"

"I got the same response from Specialist Traynor.  She was waaaay more out of breath than you, though, Lieutenant Commander."

She groaned again and collapsed on top of Shepard, who laughed and kissed the top of her head, "This happens to us a lot, doesn't it, Ash?"

Ashley's voice was muffled by the fabric of Shepard's uniform as it came from somewhere near her collarbone, "He is an imp of Satan sent to torment me until the end of time."

Joker's voice rang out again from above them, "I can totally still hear you."

Ashley looked at the ceiling and shouted, "That's why I said it!"

Shepard spoke up, "I'll be there in 5, Joker."

Ashley leaned in close again and said, "She'll be there in 20, Joker."

Shepard thought that Joker's eye roll was almost audible, but then Ashley leaned in and she didn't think anymore.

It took her almost forty-five minutes to make it to the CIC. 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Ashley watched the little glowing blue orb wearing a bowtie happily bob away from Shepard with a mixture of pride and exasperation.  The exasperation was mostly due to the fact that her girlfriend had just told Glyph to keep the drinks flowing and the music loud, blithely dismissing the option to bring the mood down to something a bit more... casual.  Ashley loved a good time and a lot of good drinks, sure, but she was feeling more mellow tonight and she had hoped that Shepard had picked up on her mood.  Maybe in a few hours, when the VI came bobbing around again to ask, she could use her feminine wiles to influence Shepard to calm down.  She wasn't going to hold her breath, though.  Shepard loved a party.

That was part of where the pride came from.  Though it used to bother Ashley, tonight she was happy that Shepard was so adept at being everything to everybody.  People loved her and respected her and followed her because she was a chameleon.  She was genuine with everyone.  Except maybe the Council, but everyone else.  She knew so well how to read people, and she could adapt to be what they needed in the moment.  It made her a charismatic leader, and it would win them this war.  Ashley felt in her bones that Shepard could pull this off.  Now that they had all the right people in all the right places, she could make this happen.  Her only fear was that Shepard wouldn't make it to the other side.

The thought made Ashley shiver, and she pushed it away.  Instead she watched as Shepard played coy with Kasumi and directed the thief's attention away from the very much attached Jacob to the very much available James Vega.  Kasumi cloaked and Ashley watched the sparking air circle the apartment to a spot where she could surreptitiously watch Vega.  She would end up in a dark corner with him, thinking the whole time that it was her idea, and never guessing that Shepard had nudged her in the right direction. 

When the taut form of the commander approached her, Ashley was smiling and rolling her eyes.

"What?" Shepard asked as she leaned in and kissed Ashley's neck softly, making her squirm.

"Is it your intention to get all of your crew members to hook up with each other tonight?"

Shepard's eyebrow raised and she looked Ashley up and down in a distinctly predatory manner before drawling, "Every. Single. One."

Ashley dodged her kiss and went to pour herself another drink at the bar.  Shepard followed with a chuckle, "It's an important mission!  I think I may fail with Cortez, unfortunately.  Unless Javik swings his way there are no dance partners for him here."  Shepard put her empty glass on the bar, and Ashley refilled it for her.  "It’s a mission I need help for.  You game?"

Vega was sitting a couple of stools away, chatting with Zaeed who was behind the bar.  Cortez walked up and joined the men.  Ashley thought how much she liked everyone at this party.  Except Zaeed.  He was a creepy old dude.  She even liked Jack.  They had had a bit of a pissing contest when they were introduced, and Ashley thought she had impressed Jack.  Her tattoos were kind of awesome, and she totally dug the haircut.  Maybe it would be fun to help them all have one last hoorah.

"What's the plan of attack?  Full frontal assault, flanking maneuvers, or subterfuge?  Tell me we don't have to be charming."

Shepard rubbed her chin in an exaggerated imitation of thoughtfulness, "No, that's out.  You can't do charming."

Ashley pretended to pout, "Well, I know one person at this party who isn't getting lucky."

Shepard put a hand on her hip and moved closer, "Now I know we can do subterfuge, ‘cause you are terrible at lying."

Ashley leaned in and kissed her, reveling in the smell of scotch on her breath, "I want to save the full frontal assault for later..."

Vega made a retching sound from down the bar, and the women looked over to see Cortez smiling in a misty sort of way, Zaeed staring fixedly at them, and Vega yelling, "Get a room!"

Ashley leaned close to Shepard's ear and said, "Game on."

 

******

 

It had been quite a lot of fun actually.  Miranda had arrived shortly after Ashley had convinced Zaeed to go talk to Chakwas.  Shepard had made fun of Vega's bulk, making him subconsciously flex his abs.  That had apparently been for Kasumi's benefit, who had a fetish for abs.  The introduction to Miranda had been stiff, but when Miranda had wandered to the window to admire the view, Ashley had an idea for a little manipulation of her own.

Miranda said, "Oh no, they've closed that sushi place.  I really liked that place."

Shepard went white and stared at Miranda in panic.

"Oh, Shepard, you didn't."

Ashley had stepped forward then, and she felt Shepard brace for the impact, "She did, in fact.  Destroyed the place, and she won't stop paying for that for a long, long time."

Miranda looked puzzled, "The Council is letting them charge a Spectre for repairs?"

Ashley levelled a fierce look at Shepard, eyes squinted with displeasure.  Shepard knew she had no choice but to fess up.  She slumped and said, "No.  No, my payment is... more on a personal level.  You see, that was where Ash and I went on our first date."

"And she destroyed the fish tank floor and the health inspector refused to give them a permit to rebuild.  So now it is gone forever."

Shepard blushed, and Ashley felt a little bad about teasing her.  Her plan was coming together nicely, however, and she expected to reap the rewards after the party was over. 

Shepard cut in to her pleasant thoughts, "Hey!  It's kinda Miranda's fault too!"

Miranda sputtered, "How can it possibly be my fault?  I wasn't even on the Citadel until a few hours ago!"

"Because you made a clone of me for spare parts, and the clone attacked me and tried to steal my ship and she tried to INCINERATE MY HAMSTER!  So the sushi place is pretty much all your fault."

Miranda blanched, "The Illusive Man said he... disposed of the clone.  You're telling me that it's... alive?"

Ashley ran the fingers of her right hand through the hair at the base of Shepard's skull, feeling the commander's body tense and shiver.  She smiled and said, "No.  Of course not.  She killed it. She kills almost everyone she meets."  Ashley leaned her body into Shepard and added, "Too bad.  The idea of TWO Shepard's in my hands..."

Shepard's jaw just about hit the floor as she turned a shocked look on Ashley.  Miranda's perfectly plucked eyebrow arched.  

"Ash..."

Ashley laughed and felt Shepard's body relax, "You are so easy to tease, skipper."

Miranda smiled and asked, “What was that about a hamster?”

Ashley tried to stop the inevitable, “Please, don’t ask abou…”

“Colonel Eduardo Fluffington,” Shepard interrupted, drawing out each syllable with motherly pride. “The note on his cage said he was to go to an animal shelter, but she had him in a bin with my ship models that were headed to the incinerator. The implications were clear.”

“Wait, is this the same space hamster you picked up on the Citadel after the Council reinstated you as a Spectre?”

“The very same. He rose to the rank of colonel due to his bravery in battle during the attack on the Collector base.”

Ashley shook her head, pinching the bridge of her nose, Miranda stood open mouthed for a full minute before responding, “You know… I was in that battle. I don’t recall Fluff-and-stuff…”

“Fluffington.”

“Right, my apologies. I don’t recall Fluffington having been there. Was he is Garrus’s squad?”

Shepard crossed her arms and a dark look clouded her eyes, “He secured my cabin from hostile boarding parties. When we crashed onto the base… I think he must have collided with his little house. His back legs were a mess. I put medi gel on them as soon as I got back, but… He’s had a limp ever since. Probably how I was able to catch him running around in Jack’s old hidey hole.”

Miranda nodded, and tried very hard not to laugh, “Right, well… Speaking of Jack, I should go find her and catch up. I’m sure she’s just as dirty and foul mouthed as ever.”

She excused herself and hurried upstairs.  It had really been too much fun.

She had an especially good time when Shepard acted sloppy drunk and pulled Jack away to flirt with Samantha.  Ashley had taken the cold, uptight bitch Miranda on a tour and just happened to show her how to set the privacy lock on the door for the downstairs back bedroom.  They got back just in time to watch Liara losing her head with jealousy. Miranda wasn’t far behind.  Just when the two looked as if they would drag their women folk off at any moment, Shepard pulled her away.

Now they sat on the couch, surveying the crowd and appraising their work.  Ashley's legs were draped across Shepard's lap and they laughed and chatted and flirted with each other as they assessed the situation.  Apart from the two couples of women who were about to explode, there was Vega and Kasumi.  They had secluded themselves in a dark corner not long ago.  Definite victory to be had there.  They had seen Zaeed leaning very close to Chakwas earlier, the older woman clearly enjoying the attention.  They disappeared quite a while ago.  Joker and EDI were nowhere to be found.  Ashley had quite accidentally discovered that Gabby and Ken were not a couple because Ken had other inclinations. After a few subtle hints, Ashley had left to talk to other guests. She came back later and found him standing extremely close to Cortez, so it looked like Javik was out of luck.

The prothean himself had been restrained from shooting at bottles in the other half of the living room, but the crowd was still giving him a wide berth.  Ashley had found out from Liara that prothean libido was not even as active as salarian, so there was no point in trying, really.  Jacob had gone off into a bathroom after starting a vid chat with his pregnant wife.  Shepard offered no further details, and Ashley was grateful.  Grunt and Wrex were head-butting each other, which was more fun than hooking up for krogan anyway.

The only pair to frustrate their attempts were Tali and Garrus.  Tali politely but firmly requested that Shepard 'stop trying to force us into a bedroom.'  Shepard's tact was somehow nonexistent with the quarian.  She was annoyed, but Ashley had noticed Tali had a very bad cough and complained of a fever several times.  Each time she showed some sign of being sick, Garrus would choke on his drink and leave the room.  Something about his guilt and her infection made Ashley think they had gotten an early start on the festivities.

The up side of completing their part of the mission early was that Shepard had finally told Glyph to bring the mood down a bit.  Now, with Shepard's hand caressing her shin and the piano tinkling away in the background, Ashley felt that the moment couldn't get any more perfect.

"Ehm… commander?"

Joker had elbowed his way through the small crowd of people around the couch, EDI behind him looking mildly annoyed. 

"What's up, Joker?"

Joker put his hand in his pocket, and said, "I thought it was about time I returned this to you, ma'am."

He pulled out a small, square shipping crate that fit neatly in the palm of his hand.  The normally white, hard plastic exterior looked worn and scuffed.  The black paint had faded slightly, and there were a few light smudges on it.

Shepard bolted upright and Ashley's legs crashed unceremoniously to the floor.  Shepard didn't hear her words of protest, her head was filled with a buzzing.  Her heart rate had shot through the roof, and she hoped there wasn't an alarm going off in the med bay of the Normandy. 

Her voice was unnaturally quiet, and, though she had meant to say more, all she managed was, "Joker... you...."

Joker's smile was bittersweet, and his eyes were shining, "You gave me an order, ma’am.  You told me to keep this safe for you.  And I did."

Ashley's gaze went back and forth between the two of them, completely lost.  Some of the people surrounding them had started to pay attention. 

Joker held the box high on the palm of his fully outstretched hand.  Shepard didn't touch it, but she looked at the box as though compelled to, as though she had no option of turning away. 

Joker's voice wavered at first then caught and held, "Do you remember when you gave this to me?  You told me that if I lost it or told Williams about it you would snap both my femurs and use them as toothpicks."

Garrus was craning to look at the unprepossessing little box over Tali's head, "That seems a little harsh, Shepard, given his condition."

"It was about an hour before you died saving my life."

A hush fell over the crowd.  Tali gave a little gasp and Garrus took her hand.  Ashley's mouth went dry and she sat up as straight as her pounding heart and constricted lungs would allow.  She didn't want to think about that day, that agony right now.  She had no idea what was going on, but she felt like something huge was shifting into place.  Maybe it would settle the ground under her feet, maybe it would crush her.

Shepard looked from the box to Joker's eyes, which were not quite filling with tears.  She put a hand on his shoulder and gripped hard.  Ashley watched the fabric of his uniform shirt bunch under her hand. 

She reached out and picked up the box with two fingers, "You've kept it all this time?"

"Yeah, I... well, I was going to give it to Ashley." Joker shot her a quick, apologetic glance.  "But she was... kind of a mess, and before I thought she was ready, you were alive again.  Then... that mess on Horizon.  Then the Collectors.  Then Mars.  When you guys patched it up... I didn't want to rush it.  I wanted to wait for the right time.  You guys seem.... solid now."

Shepard's eyes were hard on his, "You opened it?"

He rubbed his hands together nervously, "Yeah.  After your... memorial.  I wanted to make sure it wasn't _really_ a tiny varren before I gave it to her."

Shepard smiled and laughed a little.  The group around them shifted, but stilled quickly.  She turned to look at Ashley, who was still full of the fear and the pain of that day. 

Shepard saw something of the anguish in her eyes, and made her voice soothing as she asked, "Do you remember the plan we had to go see the illustrated Tennyson in the Archives?"

Ashley nodded.  Of course she remembered.  How could she forget? "You... died a couple of hours after telling me about it."

Shepard nodded and looked at the box, moving slowly towards her girlfriend, "I had this big plan to give this to you that night.  It was going to be perfect.  I had planned it out with the curator of the poetry archive.  That room has a view screen on one side, and he was going to arrange to be called away while we were looking at the Tennyson."  Shepard was standing in front of Ashley now, who was starting to have an idea what was going on.  Shepard pressed a button on the side of the box.  "And he was going to change the projection on the view screen to a live feed of the lake on the Presidium."  Shepard pulled the lid of the box off and tossed it over her shoulder.  She held what was inside gingerly and removed the bottom of the crate, discarding it with just as much grace.

The human race had left Earth many years before.  It had colonized far flung planets and moons.  It had made leaps in technology that were unthinkable just a hundred years earlier.  No matter how far from Earth, no matter how widespread, no matter if they had ever even set foot on their home world.  Every single human woman knew exactly what it meant to see a box of that exact shade of powder blue in that one, special size.

Ashley screamed, "Holy fucking shit, Kennedy!"

Shepard laughed and got down on one knee in front of the woman she loved.  She looked deep into Ashley's astonished eyes, and pried back the lid of the Tiffany’s box.  The hinged creaked slightly from lack of use.  The ring inside was a band of gleaming platinum, slightly thicker than one would normally see.  Through the center of the band ran a line of shimmering black stone.  It was depleted eezo, which shined like polished coal, black and lustrous, but with almost an internal glow.  It perfectly accentuated the sparkle of the princess cut diamond clasped in a three bracket setting above it.

"I hear the sunset over the Presidium lake it a beautiful sight.  I was going to get down on one knee, with the holograph sun setting over the lake where we first kissed over my shoulder.  The lights in the room were going to dim a bit so that just you and I would be enclosed in a pool of white light.  I was going to say to you..."  She took Ashley's hand in hers and said, very clearly and carefully into the perfectly still and quiet room.  "Ashley Williams.  I love you and I cherish you and I want to spend every crazy waking moment and every peaceful sleeping moment by your side.  I want to hold you in my arms from this moment until the last moment.  I want to spend my life making all of your dreams come true.  Because all it would take for you to make mine come true is to agree to be my wife.  Will you marry me?" 

Ashley threw her body forward in a rush.  With reflexes honed over years of dodging bullets and grenades, Shepard's hand closed hard around the box, closing the lid so the ring didn't fly out.  Ashley smashed into her, knocking her backward off of her knees onto the polished wooden floor.  She managed to keep her head from smashing down and giving her a concussion, but that meant that Ashley's shoulder slammed hard into her mouth.  She tasted blood as she settled awkwardly with the other woman pinning her down.

Then Ashley grabbed her face and kissed her hard.  The cut on her lip burned, but she ignored it.  Ashley's taut body relaxed and she let all of her weight settle onto Shepard.  Blood smeared on their chins as they kissed.  Shepard heard a cat call, and there seemed to be applause.  The kiss broke and she stared into Ashley's smiling face.  There were tears in her eyes.

Garrus shouted over the din, "I didn't hear a 'yes', Wrex.  You may still have a chance!"

Wrex and Ashley shared a look of confusion and a little disgust.  Shepard spoke up, "Paws off, krogan.  This one's mine."

The crowd laughed and then Javik said, "Truly, the muscly human woman has not answered the question."

Ashley turned her gaze back to Shepard and said in a soft voice that was so different from her normal as to belong to someone else, "Yes.  Of course, yes."

The applause redoubled and they kissed again.  Finally, she allowed Shepard to stand and all of their friends crowded around, shaking hands and offering congratulations made half incoherent from booze.  A fair few of those friends were nowhere to be seen, but the love from everyone who was around made the moment special still.  Shepard was disappointed to not see Liara, however.  Her disappointment was a lump in her throat, but Grunt chose that moment to grab Ashley around the waist and lift her over his head, shouting, "Welcome to my kraant!!"  With one thing and another, she forgot that her best friend missed such an important moment.

Ashley leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mission accomplished, Commander?"

Shepard just smiled and kissed her on the forehead.

 

*****

 

Most of the guests were sleeping, sprawled wherever their bodies finally gave out.  Grunt was face down on the couch nearest the door, Wrex on the floor beside it, one massive foot perched on the cushion by Grunt's head.  Javik was curled into what would have been called the fetal position if he were a human behind the bar.  His large armored head protecting his vulnerable chest.  Humans were laid out on chairs and rugs.  Every couch was occupied, and every bedroom apart from the master was locked down tight.

Glyph was buried in the body of the baby grand piano, playing a slow waltz.  He had missed his scheduled recharging period by several hours, and he would soon go into emergency shutdown.  The only people who seemed to have energy left were Shepard and Ashley.  They were rotating slowly on the same spot near the fire in time with the music.  Shepard's had Ashley's right hand wrapped in her left, and Ashley's left hand was on Shepard's chest over her heart.  The diamond sparkled in the firelight.  Ashley stared at the ring, amazed at the way it felt.  Shepard was smiling indulgently at her fiancée.  She had never dreamt of a moment so blissfully perfect.  All that they had been through, both together and apart, had led them to this perfect moment, and she wanted to burn it into her memory.  She wanted to keep this view of Ashley trapped in time.  Her arm tightened around Ashley's waist, hugging their bodies closer together.

Finally, Glyph's batteries died and he put himself into sleep mode.  The music stopped, but the two women kept turning and smiling and staring.  After a moment or two, Ashley looked up at Shepard.  She didn't say a word, she just watched the light dance across the woman's eyes.  Shepard's smile widened.  Her face started to ache, but the discomfort couldn't touch her.

Ashley's eyes clouded over, "We're leaving in the morning for Cronos Station, aren't we?"

Shepard thought about joking about how it wouldn't be too early because of hangovers, but it didn't seem the moment.  She just nodded.

Ashley looked back at her ring for a moment.  She wondered whether they would ever really have a wedding.  The thought brought a lump to her throat, and she swallowed it, " _If you can make one heap of all your winnings, And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you, Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'."_

Instead of shouting the last words, as was intended, Ashley whispered them after swallowing down the lump again.  She suddenly felt that she had gone from fiancée to widow all in one day. 

She shook her head slightly, forcing herself to act stronger than she felt, "That's what we're doing, isn't it?  Forcing ourselves beyond what we really have left."  She looked up into Shepard's eyes, knowing that they couldn't lie to her about the chances.  "We'll go from Cronos to Earth.  And from Earth straight to hell."

Shepard squeezed her hard, "No.  We'll win this war, Ashley.  I know we will.  We have what we need to win.  We'll make it through this and save the world again. You and me.  Just like with Saren."

Ashley nodded.  She felt empty.  She felt weak.  She wanted to believe.  She had believed before Ilos. She had believed just a few hours ago when it felt like she had so much less to lose.  Why was it so hard to now?  Probably because she had already watched Shepard die once, and it had nearly killed her.  Could she survive it again? 

She found her voice, "I need you... I need you to promise me, Kennedy.  Promise me you'll survive."

Ashley's eyes burned with determination as she glared at Shepard.  The commander's heart broke at the pain and fear she saw there.  She had always been able to make people draw strength from her own, but Ashley seemed newly immune to her charisma.  The band of Ashley's engagement ring was cold against her shirt, "You know I can't do that, Ash."

Ashley pushed her hard with the hand resting on her chest, "I know.  I'm not some naive little colony girl who thinks bullets will bounce off you simply because I love you.  I know how war works.  Just.... just lie to me, okay?  For one tiny moment I want to believe.  Truly believe everything will be okay and the good guys always win and the hero is invincible.  Just let us have that one little moment?"

Shepard stopped moving.  She cupped Ashley's face in her hands and she looked deep into the woman's eyes.  She erased all of her own doubts and projected a confidence that was unshakable.  She put every drop of her will into that look and she found that one glimmering heartbeat when she had convinced herself of everything Ashley wanted to believe.  She felt it to the core of her soul and she said, in a steady voice, "I will survive, Ashley Williams.  I will live and I will come back to you and I will marry you and we will live a thousand years of bliss.  I promise you.  I will survive."

They sealed the promise that could not be kept with a kiss for the ages.  A chaste, closed mouth kiss that expressed everything they felt for each other and everything they hoped for the future.  The moment was captured in the glass of their memories exactly as they wanted to remember it.  They both pretended to believe that the sheer force of their determination would keep them from dying unceremoniously and alone on an anonymous battlefield on a planet neither of them had been born on but both called home.

When the kiss broke and they looked at each other, they were surprised to discover that they still believed.  Of course the two of them could bring down the teeming hordes of undead.  They loved each other, and that was all they needed.  They could kill a hundred thousand enemies a piece and come out unscathed.

Ashley turned, pulling Shepard behind her by her trailing hand she walked across sleeping bodies toward the stairs.  As she passed the bar, she reached out with a free hand and grabbed a bottle of she knew not what.  She looked back with seduction in her eyes as she mounted the stairs that would take them to their bedroom. 

Shepard gladly followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem quoted in this chapter is 'If-' by Rudyard Kipling


	11. Epilogue

Ashley woke up face down on the floor of the Med Bay.  There was a stinging over her right eye, and she reached up to feel blood.  Looking around, she saw only emergency lighting, and there was steam and smoke mixing in the air.  She smelled a sharp, antiseptic odor.  One of the Medi Gel dispensers must have cracked, leaking the substance into the dark.  She stood too quickly and had to brace herself with a hand on what had been her bed before the Normandy crashed.

Thinking of herself in the bed reminded her of the scene that had put here there.

_Screaming in the distance from those hauntingly corrupted asari.  Hot metal rending in the cold air.  Mud and bullets flying in equal measure.  Then a beam of red light cutting through the night sky.  A truck flying through the air and nearly crushing her.  Kennedy there in front of her, looking at her with such concern.  She nodded to show she was alive and okay, but she wasn't okay.  She tried to move and bit back her scream.  At least three broken ribs, she guessed.  Possibly four._

_Shepard called for the Normandy and Liara threw Ashley's arm over her armored shoulder.  The clank of her metal hitting Liara’s.  Then she was trying to walk, and new injuries presented themselves with each torturous step.  She was walking up the ramp to the ship.  She realized Shepard wasn't following._

_"Take her and get her out of here!"_

_"Shepard, I'm fine!"_

_They had kissed, and Shepard had said Ashley was her's.  Then she was running and Liara was pulling her up the ramp and she lay on the bed and Chakwas was patching her up.  The tears leaked out and she made no move to stop them, but Kennedy had promised to survive.  She had made a promise, and she would keep it._

Her head cleared and her equilibrium returned.  Voices were shouting from dark rooms as Ashley made her way to the airlock.  It was closed, and the electronic controls were not responding to Joker's attempts.  Ashley found the manual unlock, and struggled with the stiff lock for a moment before popping the handle loose.  Joker stepped out first, and she followed.  They were on a garden world that she could not immediately identify.  She couldn't see any sign of civilization.  Her eyes went to the sky, and the red blaze that had chased them through the relay was still burning the heavens.  It was slightly diffused by the bright afternoon sunlight, but it was unmistakably present, a reminder of the violence of whatever had occurred on the Citadel.

"Joker, where are we?"

He seemed stunned.  He was staring around, not saying a word.  She had to ask again before he finally looked at her with a thousand yard stare and replied, "Not sure.  Somewhere in the Horsehead Nebula.  I just picked a random location."

Ashley looked skeptically at the bruised and smoking Normandy, still dark in the interior.  Garrus was stepping out now, joining Tali and one of the marines who guarded the CIC.  She thought she saw a flash of blue pass by the door.  It looked like the Normandy was far from space worthy, "When can you get her flying again?"

"I... I don't know.  EDI... she's gone."

Joker turned away and grabbed the brim of his cap, pulling it low as he pretended to scan the horizon.  Ashley tried to be gentle, but no doubt her impatience showed, "What do you mean?"

Joker turned, looking at her with that lost, far away expression, "I mean she's gone.  Scrap metal.  Dead.  It wasn't the red light that made us crash.  When that stuff hit us, EDI just... went dark.  She blinked out and didn't come back.  We crashed because she runs most of the systems on the Normandy.  The two are connected.  I don't even… I don’t even know if she can fly again..."

Ashley put a hand on Joker's shoulder.  His pitch and cadence had increased as he spoke, and he was nearly frantic by the time she stopped him.  He deflated at her touch, and her hand was essentially holding him up.  He leaned against her, having nothing else to lean on anymore.

Tali spoke up, "It's okay, Joker.  I can help get the systems going again.  We'll just have to reroute a few systems, recalibrate..."

Garrus's mandibles clicked merrily from his position at her hip on the last word, and Ashley cut her off, "How long, Tali?"

"Probably at least a day.  If we work around the clock."

Ashley gave Joker a strong pat on the back to make sure he could stand on his own, and then took a step forward, scanning the crowd until she saw the shuttle pilot, "Cortez!  What about the shuttle?  Can we get it in the air and back to Earth?"

To his credit, Cortez did not hesitate either with the knowledge of his space craft or at the thought of heading back into the war zone, "Shuttle is good to go.  Completely independent of the Normandy's systems and there was no damage from the crash.  If we are in Horsehead we need... eight hours to get back to Earth.  Seven if I push her to her limits."

Ashley nodded and stepped toward the group, purposefully using her body to block Joker from their view.  Several of the crewmembers were staring at him, and he didn't need that right now, "Make it six, Lieutenant.  Blow the doors off the damn thing if you have to."

Cortez nodded and pushed through the crowd, grabbing a couple of the startled crew members and dragging them with him to the shuttle bay.

"Garrus," Ashley's eyes snapped to him as she spoke.  "Guns and armor for three.  Load us up heavy, we may have resistance when we get to the Citadel.  And grab our masks and mag boots in case of catastrophic hull breeches."

Garrus squeezed Tali's shoulder before hurrying off.  He nearly bumped into Dr. Chakwas coming out of the airlock as he went back through it.

"Liara.  Food.  Water.  Bivoac kits."  Liara's arms were pinned to her sides by Traynor who squeezed protectively when Ashley said her name.  She opened her mouth to protest their separation, but Liara silenced her with a look and nodded.

James spoke up indignantly, "Hey!  What about me?  You're taking Liara over me?  I know she's Lola's best friend and all that..."

Ashley cut him off.  She was aware that she was being brusque, cold even, but she was doing what she had to do and to hell with anyone whose feelings were hurt, "Stow it, Vega.  I don't have time for your wounded pride."  She looked at Liara and realized that she needed to say more. "I need Liara on this mission.  I've doubted her before and I won't make that mistake again.  She has earned her spot on this ship and my squad, Lieutenant.  She doesn't have to prove herself to you or anyone else anymore."

Liara's eyes were shining, and Samantha was looking at her with a pride that made Ashley's heart ache for Kennedy.  Liara returned the look and gently removed her arms, turning and disappearing into the heart of the ship.

Ashley was about to look around for Dr. Chakwas when the woman appeared at her side.  The doctor reached up with a slim finger and rubbed at Ashley's temple.  She had forgotten about the cut until she felt the itch of her skin knitting from the Medi Gel Chakwas had rubbed on.  She handed Ashley a large duffel bag.

"Medi Gel, blankets, bandages.  A full medical kit.  Shepard's blood type is A positive.  There are several bags of synthetic A pos in there.  We are, incidentally, the Alliance's leading consumer of A positive synthetic blood replacement.  Were you aware of that?  Even with the invasion of Earth."  She shook her head with a smile.  "Unfortunately, Medi Gel can’t fix everything. There is a pump in there that will regulate the flow.  Do you think you will be able to find a vein?"

Ashley's eyes were full of gratitude for the older woman, "It's been a while since my last triage refresher, but I'm motivated.  I can do it."

Chakwas rolled up the arm of her tight uniform, exposing the inside of her elbow.  She grabbed Ashley's finger and pushed it against her own vein, palpating several times to get her used to the springiness, "You feel that?  Sort of spongy?  Note the location here- this is the median cubital vein.  Shepard has a nice one in both arms, fortunately.  If she isn't too dehydrated and she hasn't lost too much blood you should be able to hit it.  If you have trouble, get her to drink as much water as you can."

Ashley nodded and gripped the bag tight to still the fear she felt.  She didn't want to think what would happen if she couldn't do this.  She didn't want to think what would happen if she didn't need to.  The communicator in her ear crackled and then Tali's voice said, "Ashley, can you hear me?"

She scanned the crowd, but didn't see the quarian anywhere.  She must have slipped off at some point and gotten to work.  Thank God for Tali, "I can hear you."

"Excellent.  Communications are up.  We should be able to have long range communications operable by the time you are out of range of what we have now.  Can you send Specialist Traynor to me in Engineering?  I want to get you linked to Alliance command."

There was a roar from the trees around them that sounded vaguely menacing.  Bigger than a varren.  Ashley started walking to the airlock and said, "Traynor, get to Engineering.  Tali needs your help with comms.  Vega, get a team together for perimeter defense.  Whatever that was just now sounds hungry.  The rest of you, report to Joker and Tali for assignments.  Shepard is depending on us getting to her fast, we need the Normandy in the air right behind us!"

Her stride was strong.  They would make it.  Shepard would survive. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The poem quoted in this chapter is "In Memoriam A.H.H." by Tennyson.


End file.
